Breaking News: My Fortune Cookie

I just opened my fortune cookie (courtesy of a Singapore rice noodle purchase) to find the following message inside:

As far as I can discern from the above communiqué, I'm either the center of the universe and the focal point of all creation or I'm about to be assassinated through my living room window. Neither conclusion really seems to jibe with my status of a fair-to-middling unknown cartoonist but rather than simply assume there was a slip-up with the paper cutter at Fortunes LLC, I'm going to build a fort out of sofa cushions for protection and quietly try to will planets to revolve backwards. Oh, and I'm playing those numbers.

See you tomorrow when I'm either God or dead.