THE ART OF "ART OF" ARTICLES
In light of the NYC ConEd fiasco and surfacing reports about BP Oil's prior knowledge of pipeline faults, Forbes came out last week with an advice piece entitled "The Art of Crisis Management" to assist shady corporate executives in getting out of well-deserved trouble. So we thought we'd just go ahead and unassist them with our own step by step lesson plan, drawings courtesy of the same Forbes' article.
Act Fast
In fact, you should act so fast that you appear only as a blur and are eventually dubbed "The Gray Smudge." If you act quickly enough, you can reverse time itself and maybe even save Lois from dying.
Be Visible
By growing 50 feet tall. Let them see who it is that's about to step on them and then mash through city streets using buildings as kick balls. It's the personal touch that will reel them in.
In House Red Cross
Hire a permanent in-office shill to declare you dead. Then have your wealth transferred to a pre-chosen fake identity in the Caribbean where you can live out your life like a king, but more importantly, like an anonymous king. Hey, it worked for Ken Lay.
Investigate
Be seen looking at supposed clues to your company's high profile mistake through an old fashioned magnifying glass. Tell everyone that electricity was responsible for the murder. When they ask "What murder?" find something on your jacket sleeve to examine until they leave.
Don't Hide the Bad News
Just blame it on trees. Everyone hates them. Pulpy little a-holes.
Set Up a Command Center
In the sky. When they ask you "Why is your command center in the sky?" simply fly away to the stars and rejoin your people.
Communicate Frequently
But only in a terrified voice while pointing to the sky. People respond especially well to that tactic in New York City. You'll have people on your side in no time.
Perception Versus Reality
At first inspection, fish are angry at you. At a second glance, they're too far away for it to matter. See? Perception V reality.
Be Sincere
The best way to do that is to have no teeth. People trust the elderly who are themselves frequently toothless. Don't forget to wear a tack in the middle of your tie.
Be Smart and Emphatic
You can do this by inventing the hovering, wireless light bulb. And then for emphasis, stare at it forever. They'll know who's in charge then.
We sure hope this was some help to you, corporate America. It was? Wow, things were a lot worse than we thought. Well, anyway, get some rest.
(The Crespo shuts off the hovering wireless light bulb and kisses corporate America on the cheek)
Goodnight.
Act Fast
In fact, you should act so fast that you appear only as a blur and are eventually dubbed "The Gray Smudge." If you act quickly enough, you can reverse time itself and maybe even save Lois from dying.
Be Visible
By growing 50 feet tall. Let them see who it is that's about to step on them and then mash through city streets using buildings as kick balls. It's the personal touch that will reel them in.
In House Red Cross
Hire a permanent in-office shill to declare you dead. Then have your wealth transferred to a pre-chosen fake identity in the Caribbean where you can live out your life like a king, but more importantly, like an anonymous king. Hey, it worked for Ken Lay.
Investigate
Be seen looking at supposed clues to your company's high profile mistake through an old fashioned magnifying glass. Tell everyone that electricity was responsible for the murder. When they ask "What murder?" find something on your jacket sleeve to examine until they leave.
Don't Hide the Bad News
Just blame it on trees. Everyone hates them. Pulpy little a-holes.
Set Up a Command Center
In the sky. When they ask you "Why is your command center in the sky?" simply fly away to the stars and rejoin your people.
Communicate Frequently
But only in a terrified voice while pointing to the sky. People respond especially well to that tactic in New York City. You'll have people on your side in no time.
Perception Versus Reality
At first inspection, fish are angry at you. At a second glance, they're too far away for it to matter. See? Perception V reality.
Be Sincere
The best way to do that is to have no teeth. People trust the elderly who are themselves frequently toothless. Don't forget to wear a tack in the middle of your tie.
Be Smart and Emphatic
You can do this by inventing the hovering, wireless light bulb. And then for emphasis, stare at it forever. They'll know who's in charge then.
We sure hope this was some help to you, corporate America. It was? Wow, things were a lot worse than we thought. Well, anyway, get some rest.
(The Crespo shuts off the hovering wireless light bulb and kisses corporate America on the cheek)
Goodnight.
posted by The Crespo at 10:00 AM
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