Scary-Ass CNN Breaking News Email Alerts I Have Received in the Past Week
--Taliban forces capture control of U.S. Senate, hold Republican Party line on women’s reproductive rights, gay marriage, stem cell research and reprimands for unfavorable news coverage.
-- Category 9 hurricane removes North Carolina. South Carolina, Georgia residents await inevitable.
--North Korean missile tests have awoken 50-meter, prehistoric metaphor off coast of Japan. Witnesses describe fire-breathing, screaming creature as “pugnacious, unstoppable.”
--Millions fleeing from everywhere. Updates as events warrant.
--NASA officials report space shuttle Discovery has landed at Kennedy Space Center in Florida, inadvertently carrying deadly alien virus, deadly alien and Death himself.
--U.S. Federal authorities report swarms of killer bees returning to southern portion of United States. Each bee said to be piloting stolen F-14.
--Approaching 40-mile meteor observed moments ago by bored Little League outfielder.
--Rand McNally removes Lebanon from all maps, globes.
--Latest al-Qaeda video reveals terrorist organization has mastered cloning. President Bush vows to continue seeking all Osama bin Ladens.
--Molemen no longer stuff of legend. Numerous underground attacks cause oil prices to skyrocket to $200 a barrel.
--Canada, Mexico make historic agreement to share border. United States to conscript everyone.
--The Center for Disease Control reports “everything stolen” from labs.
--Apes said to be mobilizing, donning armor, attending Berlitz language classes, establishing governing body.
--Excessive heat warnings issued for the Northeast, Midwest, southern plain states and North Pole.
--G8 summit ends with world leaders huddled in corner, crying.
--Red vines, crop circles, ray gun attacks witnessed throughout world.
--Sharp, sudden increase in "manimals" linked to casual consumption of corn fructose, vitamins, water.
--Talks between India and Pakistan break off as both nations begin to raise, arm undead.
--Rocket ship with world's best and brightest seen blasting off earlier today. Explanation still pending.
--Earth appears to have just passed by Mars, fast approaching Jupiter.
-- Category 9 hurricane removes North Carolina. South Carolina, Georgia residents await inevitable.
--North Korean missile tests have awoken 50-meter, prehistoric metaphor off coast of Japan. Witnesses describe fire-breathing, screaming creature as “pugnacious, unstoppable.”
--Millions fleeing from everywhere. Updates as events warrant.
--NASA officials report space shuttle Discovery has landed at Kennedy Space Center in Florida, inadvertently carrying deadly alien virus, deadly alien and Death himself.
--U.S. Federal authorities report swarms of killer bees returning to southern portion of United States. Each bee said to be piloting stolen F-14.
--Approaching 40-mile meteor observed moments ago by bored Little League outfielder.
--Rand McNally removes Lebanon from all maps, globes.
--Latest al-Qaeda video reveals terrorist organization has mastered cloning. President Bush vows to continue seeking all Osama bin Ladens.
--Molemen no longer stuff of legend. Numerous underground attacks cause oil prices to skyrocket to $200 a barrel.
--Canada, Mexico make historic agreement to share border. United States to conscript everyone.
--The Center for Disease Control reports “everything stolen” from labs.
--Apes said to be mobilizing, donning armor, attending Berlitz language classes, establishing governing body.
--Excessive heat warnings issued for the Northeast, Midwest, southern plain states and North Pole.
--G8 summit ends with world leaders huddled in corner, crying.
--Red vines, crop circles, ray gun attacks witnessed throughout world.
--Sharp, sudden increase in "manimals" linked to casual consumption of corn fructose, vitamins, water.
--Talks between India and Pakistan break off as both nations begin to raise, arm undead.
--Rocket ship with world's best and brightest seen blasting off earlier today. Explanation still pending.
--Earth appears to have just passed by Mars, fast approaching Jupiter.
