LESS IS LESS

So USB is now selling a mini Paper Shredder. It takes only 4.8-inch wide paper, but still, its uses are nearly limitless. Say you need to shred your ticket stub from a Colin Ferrel romantic comedy or a past-use "CYCLE FOR PLEURISY" stamp...then you're all set. Or maybe your pal who works at a Lilliputian corporation has sent you compromising insider trading info using his people's diminutive paper stock and you need to get rid of it--but that regular shredder is just too darn big! Problem solved. Cause here's the new USB mini Paper Shredder!

Wait, did I say its uses were "nearly limitless?" I meant "there are no uses for this retarded machine."

Seriously, if you live a life so filled with deceit that you need to shred every paper-trace of your actions with a device like this, you probably deserve to be put in jail, not rewarded with more of the disposable income that allowed you to purchase this inane thing in the first place.

The feds should stop worrying about terrorists and start tracking people buying this device.

INT. BINGO HALL - DAY

BINGO CALLER: B-10.

USB MINI SHREDDER OWNER: Bingo!

BINGO CALLER: Hold on there, young feller. I'll be right there.

USB MINI SHREDDER OWNER: Crap, he's coming to check my card. Better shred the evidence.

BINGO CALLER: Congratu--Oh. Where's your card?

Buzz, shred, buzz!

BINGO CALLER: Are you shredding your bingo card?

USB MINI SHREDDER OWNER: Prove it, old man!

Suddenly, fifteen black-clad men wearing night vision goggles and light support rifles crash in through the roof, the windows, and even an elderly man's chest.

BINGO CALLER: Holy moly! It's the Freedom Fifteen! Hey fellers, this young'un over here just shredded his bing--

BANG!!! POP-POP-POP-POP!!

The Freedom Fifteen mercilessly shoot every person under 95 square between the eyes. Twice...just to be safe. They could be zombies. One 96 year old man is, at first, left alive to tell the tale, but since that's against regulations, he is immediately asked to shred himself in USB's new MACRO PERSON SHREDDER or MPS.




Well that was fun.

Here are a few other equally useless tiny items for your office. No, no, you don't have to thank us.

Nevertheless, you're welcome.


The USB MINI STAPLER

Great for stapling together the tiny, tiny shreds in your USB Mini Paper Shredder basket!


USB'S MINI COFFEE MUG

Hey, you were trying to cut down anyway. Plus, you can forget about Grandes and Ventis. Now you'll be the first person on your floor to be able to order a Minisculo from Starbucks. When they finally catch on and team up with USB. I'm sure they will. This is USB we’re talking about! They never make stupid products!


USB MINI NYC SKYLINE

Tired of grandeur? Sick of breathtaking man made structures? Have we got the solution!


USB MINI SECRETARY

Fits in your pocket. She fits in your goddamn pocket! This is the best invention ever.



USB MINI HAGUE

No reason. None. None at all.