Fun Indoor Activities Now That the Oppressive Heat Will Keep You Housebound for the Next Month

* Discover for yourself the fine line between “functioning alcoholic” and “engaging in fistfight with own stove.”

* Dress all in black. Don ski mask. Crouch behind sofa. Giggle in anticipation.

* Make a sock puppet. Place sock puppet on hand. Repeatedly punch hand into wall. Determine lingering effects on sock puppet’s speech pattern.

* Bake several gingerbread men. Give each a mission and a Luger.

* Fashion scaled down Vera Wang-like wedding couture for your cats using dishtowels for trains and cheesecloth for veils.

* Wonder why houseplants never wear cravats. Rectify that.

* Come up with a fascinating back story and devious motive for each and every one of your spoons.

* Cover yourself in pillows. Play “Human Pinball.”

* Cover yourself in saltines. Play “Cracker Man.”

* Hold a Hawaiian luau by killing and burying a succulent pig in your living room.

* See how long you can walk around your house wearing a colander on your head, oven mitts on your hands and soup ladles strapped to your feet before becoming convinced you’re your own kitchen.

* Start cap gun fight with the cops parked right outside your apartment window.

* Pit M&M’s and Skittles against each other in battle to the death. Winner takes on Reese’s Pieces.

* Perfect monkey impersonation by not shaving and attaching extension cord to ass.

* Play Scrabble using Jody Foster’s language from “Nell.”

* Pretend you’re in prison. Try to escape by hiding in your own laundry basket.

* Start dance craze by continuously performing in front of window for all to see.

* Reopen old Hot Wheels Auto Mechanic Playset. Patiently wait for customers.