Comedy Is Hard: A Short Play
Scene: Comedy Club
Big round of applause as a comic in his late-20’s bounds on to center stage and takes the microphone.
We suddenly hear a loud gunshot as GREG snaps back his head and drops to floor. A pool of blood begins to form behind his head.
A beat after the gunshot we hear from the back row an AUDIENCE MEMBER. He stands with a smoking gun, directing his comments at motionless comic.
Pause
AUDIENCE MEMBER calmly sits back down.
GINNY, female comic in her mid-30's, bounds on stage from the opposite side of the first one. She walks over the body and takes the microphone, thanking the crowd for the applause.
Another gunshot. GINNY drops dead.
Please welcome to the stage Mike Baldwin!
A man of considerable girth, MIKE approaches the microphone.
Gunshot. MIKE pivots on one foot and drops.
A Hispanic comic quickly bounds across from stage right holding a wireless microphone.
Gunshot. LOUIE drops.
A slim, handsome man in trendy but casual attire and a neat short haircut picks up LOUIE'S microphone as it skids towards him and starts bounding across the stage in the opposite direction.
Gunshot. GODFREY drops.
Microphone is picked up by large African-American man. He starts walking across the stage in opposite direction.
Gunshot. TEDDY drops.
At first we only hear a whirring sound. Then from the opposite direction we see a slight man with ALS appear, slowly moving across the stage in an automatic wheelchair. He llooks straight ahead as he makes his way across the stage when suddenly we hear the initial crackling of his speech synthesizer.
Gunshot. JERRY'S head snaps back. However, his wheelchair continues to moves slowly across and finally off the stage.
Silence. Nothing is said, no one moves, for several seconds.
ENTER: EXECUTIVE and ASSISTANT, both in expensive suits. They casually observe the carnage and make mental notes of the bodies.
ASSISTANT stops by body of Hispanic comic LOUIE and gestures to it with a wave of the hand.
EXECUTIVE glances over at body.
ASSISTANT makes his way over to the slumped fat comic MIKE.
ASSISTANT gestures to African-American comic TEDDY J.
EXECUTIVE studies body from a distance.
ASSISTANT notices female comic GINNY.
ASSISTANT points out slumped wheelchair comic JERRY.
EXECUTIVE and ASSISTANT continue to wander stage in different paths. ASSISTANT stops over the body of first comic, GREG. He studies him for a few beats before calling over EXECUTIVE.
EXECUTIVE walks over to GREG'S body.
ASSISTANT nonchalantly uses foot to roll GREG'S body face up. He then looks up excitedly at EXECUTIVE.
ASSISTANT gives the body a swift kick. The comic groans slightly.
EXECUTIVE studies body with a cock of his head.
EXECUTIVE bends down to directly address comic.
EXECUTIVE slaps GREG across face to try and stir him.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, we are very proud to introduce one of the fastest comedians in the stand-up circuit today. He’s performed at bot the Aspen and Montreal Comedy Festivals and just recently appeared on Un-Cabaret in Los Angeles. It’s his first time in the city so please everyone give a big New York welcome to Greg Evans!Big round of applause as a comic in his late-20’s bounds on to center stage and takes the microphone.
GREG
Thanks. I’m really happy to be in Manhattan. Not just because osuch unique landmarks as Starbucks and Planet Hollywood but because as a native Angeleno reared in car culture I’m delighted to see what an absolute fucking mess public transportation is in this city. It makes the 20 feet I drive to get my mail seem all the more sensible. And it’s not just the trains and buses. It’s the cab drivers. I think I have a better grasp of the streets of New York than they do. And it’s not like you can tell them anything because they don’t understand a word you’re saying. It’s like there’s some foreign exchange program where we send drivers to English in Pakistan while they send over their guys to babble on and in some nonsensical language that no one here can…We suddenly hear a loud gunshot as GREG snaps back his head and drops to floor. A pool of blood begins to form behind his head.
A beat after the gunshot we hear from the back row an AUDIENCE MEMBER. He stands with a smoking gun, directing his comments at motionless comic.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Heard it!Pause
AUDIENCE MEMBER calmly sits back down.
ANNOUNCER
Uh...Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the always funny, always forthright Ginny Stevens!GINNY, female comic in her mid-30's, bounds on stage from the opposite side of the first one. She walks over the body and takes the microphone, thanking the crowd for the applause.
GINNY
Thank you, thank you. Really, Mom, Dad, you’re too kind. Aaaaanyway…last night I was at this bar talking to this reaaaallllly obnoxious guy I couldn’t shake when it finally dawned on me—you know, one of those moments of absolute clarity you have after your sixth Stoli—it finally dawned on me—do you know what the real difference between men and women is?Another gunshot. GINNY drops dead.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Sex organs!ANNOUNCER
Please welcome to the stage Mike Baldwin!
A man of considerable girth, MIKE approaches the microphone.
MIKE
So I just started this diet…Gunshot. MIKE pivots on one foot and drops.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Too predictable!
ANNOUNCER
Louie Suarez, everybody!A Hispanic comic quickly bounds across from stage right holding a wireless microphone.
LOUIE
Hola!Gunshot. LOUIE drops.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Too ethnic!ANNOUNCER
Godfrey Hollcheck!A slim, handsome man in trendy but casual attire and a neat short haircut picks up LOUIE'S microphone as it skids towards him and starts bounding across the stage in the opposite direction.
GODFREY
Hi…Gunshot. GODFREY drops.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Too gay!ANNOUNCER
Teddy J!Microphone is picked up by large African-American man. He starts walking across the stage in opposite direction.
TEDDY
Hel…Gunshot. TEDDY drops.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
I feel threatened!!!ANNOUNCER
Jerry Stanton!At first we only hear a whirring sound. Then from the opposite direction we see a slight man with ALS appear, slowly moving across the stage in an automatic wheelchair. He llooks straight ahead as he makes his way across the stage when suddenly we hear the initial crackling of his speech synthesizer.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
NO PROP COMICS!!!Gunshot. JERRY'S head snaps back. However, his wheelchair continues to moves slowly across and finally off the stage.
Silence. Nothing is said, no one moves, for several seconds.
ENTER: EXECUTIVE and ASSISTANT, both in expensive suits. They casually observe the carnage and make mental notes of the bodies.
ASSISTANT stops by body of Hispanic comic LOUIE and gestures to it with a wave of the hand.
ASSISTANT
What about this guy?EXECUTIVE glances over at body.
EXECUTIVE
Nah.ASSISTANT makes his way over to the slumped fat comic MIKE.
ASSISTANT
This one?EXECUTIVE
Funny...but no.ASSISTANT gestures to African-American comic TEDDY J.
ASSISTANT
Him?EXECUTIVE studies body from a distance.
EXECUTIVE
Kinda threatening, no?ASSISTANT notices female comic GINNY.
ASSISTANT
Then how about her?EXECUTIVE
A woman? C’mon…ASSISTANT points out slumped wheelchair comic JERRY.
ASSISTANT
Hey, how about the one in the chair?EXECUTIVE
Awwwwwww…No.EXECUTIVE and ASSISTANT continue to wander stage in different paths. ASSISTANT stops over the body of first comic, GREG. He studies him for a few beats before calling over EXECUTIVE.
ASSISTANT
Wait, check this guy out.EXECUTIVE walks over to GREG'S body.
EXECUTIVE
What have we got?ASSISTANT nonchalantly uses foot to roll GREG'S body face up. He then looks up excitedly at EXECUTIVE.
ASSISTANT
He’s white!EXECUTIVE
Nice! See if he’s still alive.ASSISTANT gives the body a swift kick. The comic groans slightly.
ASSISTANT
Yep! Looks like the bullet just hit his head.EXECUTIVE studies body with a cock of his head.
EXECUTIVE
Tall. Handsome but believable. Could play anywhere from late 20’s to early 40’s. Entry wound can easily be covered up with bangs or small strip of gauze.ASSISTANT
Is this the guy or is this the guy?!?EXECUTIVE bends down to directly address comic.
EXECUTIVE
Buddy.EXECUTIVE slaps GREG across face to try and stir him.
EXECUTIVE
Hey, buddy! How would you like your own sitcom?
