What if the U.S. Had Won the World Cup?

* American bumper stickers feature two flaming soccer balls and the words "Never forget."

* 16 movies immediately greenlit to capitalize on soccer fever, featuring such taglines as "It Was U.S. Versus Them!" "God Bless U.S." and "U.S. Are the Champions."

* Americans overturn cars, set fire to own nation in celebration.

* Fox News calls soccer moms "noble women's work."

* Class-5 hurricane formed by excessive flag waving.

* New fan Ann Coulter vehemently defends her position that soccer proves there was no Holocaust, slavery or Canada.

* America feels free to improve game with baseball bats, first downs and Texas Hold 'em.

* Bush demands rest of the world refer to sport as "soccer" or "football 2."

* Bostonians now have two teams to completely rule their lives.

* For some inexplicable reason the troops are mentioned.