In the Absence of Accomplishment, Self-Praise

Today Republicans are forcing Democrats to vote on a resolution that praises U.S. troops and labels the Iraq war part of a global fight on terrorism.

Also attached to the resolution are the following Republican Party demands:

* "Absolute failure shall now be redefined as 'Glorious attempt at achieving an idea so grand in scope and lofty in ambition that the very endeavor to accomplish such enobles us all."

* “Risk board game territories to be renamed 'Us' and 'Them.'”

* "Any philospophical or scientific query into the nature of life and our very existence can be summarily answered with one response--'The Great Flood did it.'"

* "Ronald Reagan National Airport is to be renamed 'The Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan National Airport.'”

* "Vanilla is to be deemed the best ice cream flavor ever, because frankly chocolate scares us a little."

* "Poetry is a pseudo-study that leads to poor athletic performance and commitment ceremonies."

* "All debates effectively come to an end when someone employs the 'Yeah, but at the end of the day' closer."

* "Patriotism doubleplusgood for own well-being."

* "Two or more sides to every issue shall be recognized as a mathematical impossibility."

* "The statement 'As American as apple pie' is to be rephrased as 'As American as American pie.' Also, since pie is so synonymous with America, it, too, shall be renamed 'American.' Thus, the new statement shall be 'As American as American American.'"

* "If we say, 'God makes candy' and a liberal responds, 'Well, no, Hershey makes candy' then said liberal has effectively stated that 'God is not all-knowing and all-powerful, that in essence He does not exist and that Baby Jesus just might as well die.'"