HOW TO TELL IF YOUR HOUSE IS HAUNTED OR YOUR CHILD HAS BEEN MOLESTED BASED ON THE CRAYON DRAWINGS OF YOUR CHILDREN
By Sean Crespo and Francesco Marciuliano
Children. They’re small. Some are cute. And I don’t have any. But as someone who has a lot of opinions on many subjects upon which I’m not qualified to discourse but upon which I do regardless, I’d like to offer Drink At Work fans this chance to read my thoughts on how to analyze children’s art work for danger signs. Having seen movies about both hauntings and molestations, I feel I am now ready to professionally psychoanalyze kids’ crayon drawings for the tell-tale clues that should alert a parent to these potential hazards. I do this as a public service and am not paid by Drink At Work for this work. I am a philanthropist first and a freelance writer second. I’m also good with animals FYI.
Thank you,
Sean Crespo
DRAWING #1:
HAUNTED
ANALYSIS: My guess is that your child is regularly being pulled into the spirit world, without your even knowing it, by a malevolent consciousness who has made a game of twisting your son’s mind to the breaking point, delighting in every fissure he creates in your child’s sanity by forcing him to cavort with ghouls and demons of nearly incomprehensible malfeasance, leaving your child with no hope of being rescued from the endless crossing over and subsequent torture. You also probably baby him too much. Tell him to walk it off.
DRAWING #2:
HAUNTED
ANALYSIS: You are so haunted. Oh my god. Did you think your kid’s sudden spell of night terrors was normal? Starting to pee the bed again at 11 is one of those “red flags” people talk so much about, don’t you think? This house is NOT clear. Call that Sci-fi Channel lady who let’s you talk to dead animals. It might not be so bad. Maybe it’s only a ghost octopus and he wants some, well, I don’t know, some of whatever it is octopi want. Try crabs. Best of luck.
DRAWING #3:
MOLESTED
ANALYSIS: Let's just say that there are some public parks your child should no longer frequent.
DRAWING #4:
HAUNTED
ANALYSIS: Your child is not your child anymore, nor a child at all. He or she is now the temporary vessel of a sleepless malice, a demi-god awaiting the appropriate stellar alignment so that His Waking Mind might once again return fully from the unknowable infinitudes beyond the inkiest space and reign terror on all mortals, the birth right of all HIS kind who are born unto conscious formlessness and greatness beyond all hope of fighting you are doomed you are doomed!
Maybe some new drapes will lighten things up for a while.
DRAWING #5:
NEITHER
ANALYSIS: While your child is neither haunted nor molested, judging from this sketch they clearly possess an artistic spirit that graphically violates any typical thoughts on the visual capabilities of adolescents. Also, your child seems to be consumed with the crippling melancholy of an 80-year-old widower. It may not hurt to buy the kid a Frisbee.
DRAWING #6:
HAUNTED AND MOLESTED
ANALYSIS: You’ll be surprised, but the answer is actually that your house is haunted. The catch? It’s haunted by ghost priests who molest your child at night with their ghost weenies. I’d suggest an exorcism, but you run the risk of being responsible for setting up a priest-on-ghost-priest-on-child three-way. My advice, learn to live with it…but on film! Your lack of professional skill with a camera will actually serve you well if you package your story as an indie horror flick. We’ll call it “The Father, the Son, and the Holy Crap My Kid Is Being Molested By Ghost Catholic Priests!” Email me if you think of a better title.
DRAWING #7:
MOLESTED
ANALYSIS: You people make me sick. I can’t even begin to deconstruct what is wrong with this picture you disgusting corrupters of youth! My lord, look at this. How can you live with yourselves? They say it takes all kinds, but you know what? It doesn’t take your kind! Man! You people are f-d up! God! Jesus! Go…I don’t know. Just go. I’m going to be ill. Just thinking about all the “cry for help” imagery is making me furious. I’ll make a deal with you people. I’ll go take my blood pressure medication so I’ll calm down and not hunt you down like the animals you are, and you turn yourselves in to the nearest authorities. WEIRDOES!
Well, I hope I’ve been some help to you. Thank you for sending in your children’s art work, always a great window into the soul of the innocent. If you liked this piece, please check out my other works, “HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CHILD HAS VISITED AN ALIEN CIVILIZATION RECENTLY WITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE BASED ON HIS OR HER CRAYON DRAWINGS” and "HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CHILD IS THE REINCARNATION OF A RELIGIOUS FIGURE BASED ON HIS OR HER CRAYON DRAWINGS”
Children. They’re small. Some are cute. And I don’t have any. But as someone who has a lot of opinions on many subjects upon which I’m not qualified to discourse but upon which I do regardless, I’d like to offer Drink At Work fans this chance to read my thoughts on how to analyze children’s art work for danger signs. Having seen movies about both hauntings and molestations, I feel I am now ready to professionally psychoanalyze kids’ crayon drawings for the tell-tale clues that should alert a parent to these potential hazards. I do this as a public service and am not paid by Drink At Work for this work. I am a philanthropist first and a freelance writer second. I’m also good with animals FYI.
Thank you,
Sean Crespo
DRAWING #1:
HAUNTED
ANALYSIS: My guess is that your child is regularly being pulled into the spirit world, without your even knowing it, by a malevolent consciousness who has made a game of twisting your son’s mind to the breaking point, delighting in every fissure he creates in your child’s sanity by forcing him to cavort with ghouls and demons of nearly incomprehensible malfeasance, leaving your child with no hope of being rescued from the endless crossing over and subsequent torture. You also probably baby him too much. Tell him to walk it off.
DRAWING #2:
HAUNTED
ANALYSIS: You are so haunted. Oh my god. Did you think your kid’s sudden spell of night terrors was normal? Starting to pee the bed again at 11 is one of those “red flags” people talk so much about, don’t you think? This house is NOT clear. Call that Sci-fi Channel lady who let’s you talk to dead animals. It might not be so bad. Maybe it’s only a ghost octopus and he wants some, well, I don’t know, some of whatever it is octopi want. Try crabs. Best of luck.
DRAWING #3:
MOLESTED
ANALYSIS: Let's just say that there are some public parks your child should no longer frequent.
DRAWING #4:
HAUNTED
ANALYSIS: Your child is not your child anymore, nor a child at all. He or she is now the temporary vessel of a sleepless malice, a demi-god awaiting the appropriate stellar alignment so that His Waking Mind might once again return fully from the unknowable infinitudes beyond the inkiest space and reign terror on all mortals, the birth right of all HIS kind who are born unto conscious formlessness and greatness beyond all hope of fighting you are doomed you are doomed!
Maybe some new drapes will lighten things up for a while.
DRAWING #5:
NEITHER
ANALYSIS: While your child is neither haunted nor molested, judging from this sketch they clearly possess an artistic spirit that graphically violates any typical thoughts on the visual capabilities of adolescents. Also, your child seems to be consumed with the crippling melancholy of an 80-year-old widower. It may not hurt to buy the kid a Frisbee.
DRAWING #6:
HAUNTED AND MOLESTED
ANALYSIS: You’ll be surprised, but the answer is actually that your house is haunted. The catch? It’s haunted by ghost priests who molest your child at night with their ghost weenies. I’d suggest an exorcism, but you run the risk of being responsible for setting up a priest-on-ghost-priest-on-child three-way. My advice, learn to live with it…but on film! Your lack of professional skill with a camera will actually serve you well if you package your story as an indie horror flick. We’ll call it “The Father, the Son, and the Holy Crap My Kid Is Being Molested By Ghost Catholic Priests!” Email me if you think of a better title.
DRAWING #7:
MOLESTED
ANALYSIS: You people make me sick. I can’t even begin to deconstruct what is wrong with this picture you disgusting corrupters of youth! My lord, look at this. How can you live with yourselves? They say it takes all kinds, but you know what? It doesn’t take your kind! Man! You people are f-d up! God! Jesus! Go…I don’t know. Just go. I’m going to be ill. Just thinking about all the “cry for help” imagery is making me furious. I’ll make a deal with you people. I’ll go take my blood pressure medication so I’ll calm down and not hunt you down like the animals you are, and you turn yourselves in to the nearest authorities. WEIRDOES!
Well, I hope I’ve been some help to you. Thank you for sending in your children’s art work, always a great window into the soul of the innocent. If you liked this piece, please check out my other works, “HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CHILD HAS VISITED AN ALIEN CIVILIZATION RECENTLY WITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE BASED ON HIS OR HER CRAYON DRAWINGS” and "HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CHILD IS THE REINCARNATION OF A RELIGIOUS FIGURE BASED ON HIS OR HER CRAYON DRAWINGS”
posted by Carol at 1:10 PM
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