Where Can I Find A Field Greens Salad? Why, In A Field, Of Course!
The following entry for the word Salad was found on dictionary.com.
sal·ad (n.) A cold dish of chopped vegetables, fruit, meat, fish, eggs, or other food, usually prepared with a dressing, such as mayonnaise.
While it's difficult to condone or recognize mayonnaise itself as a delicious salad dressing*, the rest of the definition is befitting of a salad. Chopped veggies, fruit, meat, eggs, other food. Nowhere in this definition does it mention bitter leaves hand picked from my neighbor's lawn and thrown on a smallish plate. It's time that restaurateurs across the nation are taken to task on their definition of a "salad". That's right, chefs of the world, no longer should you be allowed to masquerade field greens with a touch of lemon vinaigrette as salad.
Mesclun, baby spinach leaves, dandelions? These are not lettuces. Well, techinically they may be, but Martina Navratolova technically wasn't a lesbian until she admitted she was. Romaine thought? Now that's a green you can be proud of and take home to your parents. Romaine, it sounds slightly epicurean, a tad mysterious and not quite as daunting lettuce as iceberg, for example. This should be your foundation. Here's another novel idea, throw some other items in it that aren't lettuce. Now you're having fun. Adding mesclun greens to some baby spinach doesn't count as a second ingredient. If you added mescaline on the other hand, you've got yourself something special. I'm talking about adding some color to the vegan neighborhood though. This country, after all, is supposed to be a melting pot. No where have I ever heard us referred to as the green leaf eating nation. We ingest buckets of grease and gallons of butter. Sure we segregate the many that make up the pot of diverse mush and a small percentage of that mush owns the majority of the wealth but there's color! Take a green or yellow pepper, slice that shit up and throw it in. Why stop there? Cukes, add in some cucumber with some little grape tomatoes and some sprouts. We're in business. Wait, the madness continues. What's this? Why it's stale bread, call 'em croutons and you've got yourself a deal. Chick peas, kidney beans, rainbow sprinkles, bacon bits, boiled eggs. There's no end to the options. Cheese! Have I been stricken with bovine madness? How could I ever forget to add some cheese. That's like forgetting to add Gilbert Gottfried to the list of most annoying men to walk the face of the earth. No, you need cheese, indeed. Bleu, cheddar, mozzarella, gorgonzola. Chunks, crumbled, shredded, wheels. Cheese in all shapes and forms should be welcomed. Bring me your tired, your poor, your moldy masses of milk yearning to be cheeeeeeeeese!
Allow me to step back from my roughage high horse for a moment and play devil's advocate. There are some among us who believe that a field greens salad is scrumptious. I defy any of you to bring me the logic behind this. It's called a field greens salad. The reason is because if you walk in any field, chances are, you'll find any of the shit sitting on the ground, that can also be found in a field greens salad, minus the vinaigrette. Maybe these people are boring and just plain vanilla. Is it safe to guarantee they haven't had sex and if they do, it's most likely through sheets and with rubber gloves? I guess that would really make them more germophobes than boring. And a germophobe's sex life has got to be interesting in so many ways. There are so many obstacles to overcome. Why though, why would you order a plate of lettuce? It really has always appealed to me as the type of salad not that you order but you revert to when you release you have $1.89 in your pocket and can't afford a loaf of bread. It's a last resort. Yet, when you're paying about $10 for a salad, the restaurant, the cheap bastards that are procuring all the ingredients on your dime, they can't even throw you a little reach around? Not even some croutons? Maybe some tomatoes?
This is something that I'll never understand but I'm going to write God an email and see what he has to say about it. I'll let you know if I hear back. In the meantime, this has been the report from your DrinkatWork foodie, Nick. Word.
*While mayonnaise may not suffice, it can serve as a wonderful lubricant according to fellow Drinkatwork columnist, Sean Crespo.
sal·ad (n.) A cold dish of chopped vegetables, fruit, meat, fish, eggs, or other food, usually prepared with a dressing, such as mayonnaise.
While it's difficult to condone or recognize mayonnaise itself as a delicious salad dressing*, the rest of the definition is befitting of a salad. Chopped veggies, fruit, meat, eggs, other food. Nowhere in this definition does it mention bitter leaves hand picked from my neighbor's lawn and thrown on a smallish plate. It's time that restaurateurs across the nation are taken to task on their definition of a "salad". That's right, chefs of the world, no longer should you be allowed to masquerade field greens with a touch of lemon vinaigrette as salad.
Mesclun, baby spinach leaves, dandelions? These are not lettuces. Well, techinically they may be, but Martina Navratolova technically wasn't a lesbian until she admitted she was. Romaine thought? Now that's a green you can be proud of and take home to your parents. Romaine, it sounds slightly epicurean, a tad mysterious and not quite as daunting lettuce as iceberg, for example. This should be your foundation. Here's another novel idea, throw some other items in it that aren't lettuce. Now you're having fun. Adding mesclun greens to some baby spinach doesn't count as a second ingredient. If you added mescaline on the other hand, you've got yourself something special. I'm talking about adding some color to the vegan neighborhood though. This country, after all, is supposed to be a melting pot. No where have I ever heard us referred to as the green leaf eating nation. We ingest buckets of grease and gallons of butter. Sure we segregate the many that make up the pot of diverse mush and a small percentage of that mush owns the majority of the wealth but there's color! Take a green or yellow pepper, slice that shit up and throw it in. Why stop there? Cukes, add in some cucumber with some little grape tomatoes and some sprouts. We're in business. Wait, the madness continues. What's this? Why it's stale bread, call 'em croutons and you've got yourself a deal. Chick peas, kidney beans, rainbow sprinkles, bacon bits, boiled eggs. There's no end to the options. Cheese! Have I been stricken with bovine madness? How could I ever forget to add some cheese. That's like forgetting to add Gilbert Gottfried to the list of most annoying men to walk the face of the earth. No, you need cheese, indeed. Bleu, cheddar, mozzarella, gorgonzola. Chunks, crumbled, shredded, wheels. Cheese in all shapes and forms should be welcomed. Bring me your tired, your poor, your moldy masses of milk yearning to be cheeeeeeeeese!
Allow me to step back from my roughage high horse for a moment and play devil's advocate. There are some among us who believe that a field greens salad is scrumptious. I defy any of you to bring me the logic behind this. It's called a field greens salad. The reason is because if you walk in any field, chances are, you'll find any of the shit sitting on the ground, that can also be found in a field greens salad, minus the vinaigrette. Maybe these people are boring and just plain vanilla. Is it safe to guarantee they haven't had sex and if they do, it's most likely through sheets and with rubber gloves? I guess that would really make them more germophobes than boring. And a germophobe's sex life has got to be interesting in so many ways. There are so many obstacles to overcome. Why though, why would you order a plate of lettuce? It really has always appealed to me as the type of salad not that you order but you revert to when you release you have $1.89 in your pocket and can't afford a loaf of bread. It's a last resort. Yet, when you're paying about $10 for a salad, the restaurant, the cheap bastards that are procuring all the ingredients on your dime, they can't even throw you a little reach around? Not even some croutons? Maybe some tomatoes?
This is something that I'll never understand but I'm going to write God an email and see what he has to say about it. I'll let you know if I hear back. In the meantime, this has been the report from your DrinkatWork foodie, Nick. Word.
*While mayonnaise may not suffice, it can serve as a wonderful lubricant according to fellow Drinkatwork columnist, Sean Crespo.