An Open Letter from Meat to the Colons of 50-Year-Old Obese Males Living in the Mid-West

Dear Colons of 50 Year-Old Obese Males Living in the Mid-West,

First of all, let me just tell you how touched I am by your Persons' conistently choosing me over just about every item in the food pyramid for almost every meal, whether as a side or a main dish. Almost no other part of the country can keep up with their (and through them, your) raw, unfettered lust for me. So for that, thank you.

Now, unfortunately, I must come to the main purpose of this missive. It is with deep regrets and humble apologies that I must inform you that as of today I will be shutting you down Colon for the next several years, possibly permanently, at which point I, or at least the decaying remnants of me, will claim ownership of you and several other organs within the immediate intestinal proximity.

I would have brought this up earlier but I became entangled in a brief imbroglio with two of Person's incisors. I understand that 2 Liter Bottles of Vanilla Coke also has an important message to deliver to him, but that is for another time.

Of a deeper urgency however, I have been asked to relay to Person from Fried Eggs and Candy Bars that Heart is also in a similar predicament as that of yourself, but of course, I need not remind you that the effects of the former shutting down are much more immediate than of you, the latter, though those are not to be taken lightly if it is even indeed possible to take dying from being poisoned by your own inner filth lightly. At any rate, take it under consideration for later. I'm sure it can't be that big of a rush however, otherwise Heart would have contacted Person to discuss the matter via the Face-Turns-Purple-While-Left-Arm Begins-To-Tingle Phone. No matter. Time will tell.

Right now I wish only to impress upon you the importance of the upcoming alterations to our thus far amicable and even symbiotic relationship. When the changes do go into effect which will be starting at the "business end of the business day" as we say down here, as you know, Har Har!-- there will be issues that arise from time to time, the most relevant of which will I'm sure deal with the fact that in addition to yours, we will also be annexing the functions of several ancillary, nearby organs. Annexing is probably the wrong word. "Ceasing" is probably more apt. Ahem, so, let's move on. I know this is difficult for you.

These organs include but are not limited to:

Prostate
Small Intestine (which includes Duodenum, Jejunum, and Ileum)
The remaining portions of Large Intestine where you are housed (which includes Cecum, you, and of course Rectum)
...and surprisingly, Balls will also become our property.
(Not having a bowel movement for 10 days will apparently cramp not just your style, but anything pressed too closely against bacteria leaking organs. Who knew?)

You will find the pertinent portion of our once tacit, now explicit agreement spelled out (as a courtesy to you) below.

____________________________________


COLONIC CLOSURE CONTRACT AGREED UPON BY PARTIES TO BE MENTIONED


By accepting more than a single serving size of MEAT (herein PARTY A) every day for two or more decades, the Colons of 50 Year-Old Obese Males Living in the Mid-West (herein PARTY B) agree to full terms of shut down and immediate closure to be carried out at a time of PARTY A's choosing. This agreement is binding.


PART A sign below

X________________________


PARTY B sign below

X________________________


___________________________________


So I'll just ask EYEBALLS to notarize this and hopefully we can get this whole mess expedited as quickly and painlessly as possible. And on a personal note, while I know you have no choice in the matter since Person is severely addicted to me, or more importantly to the muscle-enhancing hormones injected into the living creatures I come from, thank you for your continued patronage.

From all of us here at FOOD.


Yours,
MEAT