Ohio Electoral College: official student prospectus

OHIO ELECTORAL COLLEGE: "It's all true!"

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Disenfranchisement 103: A core requirement, this class teaches the basics of removing the undesirable elements from the polls. Course includes a four week urban slang and hand shake intensive.

Enquiry Evasion 212: Learn to answer journalist’s questions with a rhetorical, accusatory question of your own.
EX:
Journalist: Who ultimately is responsible for stopping the recount?
Response: Well let me ask you this, if al-Qaeda came in here right now with machine guns, nuclear weapons, and box cutters, would you be ready?
Use the horrified silence to escape.

Computer Lab (elective): Taught by programming experts from Triad. You are guaranteed a perfect score in this course even if you do not attain a perfect score or do not make a single appearance. “And that’s the Triad promise!”
Course costs may vary depending on defending attorney’s fees.

Ohio Electoral is a publicly funded state college with no political agenda, open to both Democrats and Republicans. Any resident of Ohio who has registered to vote is eligible to apply regardless of race or color*.

Fully completed application must also include SAT scores, a record of the last six candidates voted for, a recent photo (registered Democrats only), a brief description of your heritage including full disclosure of the kind of ship in which your ancestors arrived at America (registered Democrats only), and an essay on the question of:
“Should Everyone Be Allowed To Vote and Really, Don’t You Think Some People Should Get To Vote More Than Once?”

Class Registration

Red Student Registration: Registration for our Republican students begins on November 2nd around 3 in the afternoon at O.E.C.’s accurate-to-a-flower recreation of Paris’ Tuileries Garden, located at the center of our famous all white-rose bush maze. Individual maps and guides will provided.

The maze is completely enclosed within our 40,000 acre professional-standard Relaxment Gazebo® on the grounds of O.E.C.’s palatial Administrative Estates. In addition to the natural tranquility, those waiting in line will be raptured away to auditory heaven as O.E.C.’s own brass and wind ensemble, WILL TO POWER, plays the entire works of the greatest classical composer of all time, Richard Wagner. If the music and gorgeous scenery still do not suffice, a full 5 course brunch including rare, sumptuous Black Rhinoceros flank will be laid out on the backs of our dedicated staff from which you are encouraged to dine. Napkins won’t be necessary because they love it when you wipe with their sleeves.

Blue Student Registration

However, in order to abate potential disruptions due to the heightened interest surrounding past sign-ups, registration for Democrats will be held at a separate but mostly equal facility rented out by O.E.C. for the day. So on November 3rd from 4:15 am to 4:17, come on down Democrats to the old abandoned train yard just outside Cleveland's famous Septic Excitement District. Directions TBA Nov. 4. To discourage students from overwhelming our limited staff, the registration booth will be camouflaged to blend in with the surrounding rusting metal hulks and the brown, dying weeds which constitute the local flora. We also extend our deepest, humblest Christian regrets that there will not be catering due to funding cuts. Let not your spirits flag students though because there is a Quizno’s Submarine Sandwhich Shop not 10 miles (as the chaffeur drives) from the registration booth. Semper sterilis!

OHIO ELECTORAL COLLEGE:
"Prove it!"

We encourage, nay, we challenge Students with Disabilities to apply to Ohio Electoral. We offer disabled students every opportunity given to our regular, normal students. We ask however that our handicapped residents respect the Disabled Students’ Safety Curfew which extends from 4 pm to 6 pm every day.
Students with severe disabilities or long-term medical conditions are asked to voluntarily place themselves on the medical school’s Living Anatomical Subjects Volunteer list in exchange for preference during course selection. Failure to do so will automatically place the infringing student’s name at the top of the list along with a note requesting use of low concentration local anesthetics during surgical observations.
Students with disabilities caused from distinguished military service may be offered subsidized tuition but will be asked to provide evidence of service and honorable discharge. This proof will count as 10% of your final aid assessment grade. However, as a check against fraudulent claims, all applicants will be asked to appear before the Ohio Electoral College Veterans for Truth panel, which will be composed entirely of former military servicemen who served in the general vicinity where you were wounded but not necessarily at the same time. Their vote will count as 100% of your final aid assessment grade. GOOD LUCK!

OHIO ELECTORAL COLLEGE:
"What'd you just call me, faggot?"

If you’d like to visit the school, guided tours are available from 4 to 6 pm every day.

Estimated for average four year program attendance.
Tuition: $112,000
Room: Please note that O.E.C. is not a co-educational facility. Separate but mostly equal facilities will be provided for our pigment and vagina enhanced students. Cost of housing varies accordingly.

Whittensythe Manor: $3000/month

Baltic Apartments: $200/month. Also available to rent out by the hour!

Board:
Whittensythe Manor: Food catered by Chef Szalinsky from the Sorbonne Culinary Institute

Baltic Apartments: Food dropped off weekly by the U.N. Pact With Humanity 's "Wheat For Blues" Program.

Additional Costs:
Students housing at Whittensythe are encouraged to invest in a pair of skis.
Students at Baltic are encouraged to leave their ski masks at home and invest in birth control.

As ever, there is no financial aid for most students. (some Veterans excepted)

Ohio Electoral believes that it is the individual’s personal responsibility at the age of 18 to have amassed the minimum $112,000 or the equivalent in good credit necessary to attain a degree from one of our four year programs.

By giving aid, we would only be encouraging students and their parents to sit around and let the economy stagnate. With our new “Healthy Wallets” initiative, we are not only stimulating American industry by giving you the opportunity to work two or more jobs, we’re also teaching you a valuable lesson in discipline and learning to live with less, which is important in these trying times.

In fact, to make things more challenging and to ensure that only the very best become O.E.C. alums, we no longer accept Stafford loans, federal grants, or liquid funds of any kind. Ohio Electoral is the first school to run on a Cash-Only system, but in the end you’ll find this works out best as it makes investing your school dollars in high yield off shore hedge funds, Congressional lobbying, and pyramid real estate schemes that much easier.
The more OEC makes, the more comes back to you. (Baltic Apartment students excepted.)

And that's the Ohio Electoral promise!

OHIO ELECTORAL COLLEGE:
"Go ahead and cry."

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*While religion, sexual orientation, and sex have always been grounds for application dismissal, under Statute 310, part of the ruling handed down by the Ohio Lower Appellate Circuit earlier this year, a state of "non-whiteness" in "color and race" may now be considered during the application process.