How to be Fired from Your Temp Job

ABOVE: where powerful deep emptiness gathers strength.

Hi friends,

Today I was fired. And quite frankly, for good reason. I'm distracted, prone to leaving for auditions and forgetting to mention it to my bosses....what else? Oh yeah, I like checking my email a lot more than I like doing the work I'm being paid to do, and also shaving isn't my favorite thing.

If you are at a temp job that simply can't do without you and which you desperately want to get out of, here's how you can emulate my day-job work ethic and find yourself escaping the surly bonds of employment.

STEP 1: Show up dressed like Matthew Lesko but instead of dollar signs on your suit, have swastikas.

STEP 2: Burn scentesd candles frequently. Make sure the scent is "Decaying Bog Belch."

STEP 3: Molest your employees. Molest the fucking shit out of them.

STEP 4: Brag loudly about your cysts.

STEP 5: Adopt children. Bring them to work. Set them to work. Refer to them in a patronzingly off-handed manner as "modern day coolies."

STEP 6: Pick a cube mate. Engage in trench warfare with him or her. If it's a her, chivalry demands you let her fire the first salvo.

STEP 7: Paint your face in the colors of your high school football team. Talk incessantly about how "#23 is looking good this year, yeah?"

STEP 8: Using high pressure gas tanks and nozzles attached to red dye canisters, rig up a stigmata recreating device. When ready to begin fake bleeding, yell, "Incoming!"

STEP 9: Be personable and interested in your fellow employees. This drives them apeshit.

STEP 10: Blog.

Sean Crespo is currently out of work and available for any employment opportunities involving little to no actual labor with 6 hour lunch breaks, and a very strong YES TO FACIAL HAIR policy.