If the insensitive jerk I met at the bar were to do standup
Hey! You all drunk yet?
(A few claps)
Yes? No? …Well, I’d like to the thank the Hyatt Airport Motel for having me on such short notice… What’s that sir? Yes, you are correct, this is an open mic… Thanks for pointing that out. Now, can I do something for you? Perhaps another steak sandwich? Or maybe directions to “Curves” … No? Okay.
“Curves”, now there’s a place. You’re fat and a bit self-conscience about it, so why not lose weight at a place that renames obesity nice, soft and happy things? You’re not fat… you have Curves… Right fatty? Not you, tubby… The blimp next you spilling into the second row… Yes, you ma’am…with the Dale Earnhardt forever shirt. Do you miss him, #3? You do? Are you sad? … You are? … I’m sorry…. Are you sad because he’s gone or because you’re so large that small children are lost in your rolls? I mean seriously, they must have an amber alert anytime you go near a Chucky Cheese.
(random coughs)
Wow. Lot’s of angry people here tonight… Lots of angry fat people.
So, any Jews in here? A few? … yup, a few Jews in the crowd. I’m not Jewish, but my uncle is and man… is he a prick. You know what I’m talking about, right big nose? … What? You’re not Jewish? I didn’t think you were. I just figured you knew my uncle. He likes big-nosed chicks.
(gasps and angry muttering)
Anyone else here think 9/11 was a good idea? Did anyone seriously really like those two buildings? Honestly, I don’t miss them. They were big square and ugly…. Like twice the size of any other building in New York. That seems a little snotty to me, “Look at us, little buildings! We’re the World Trade Center one and two! … All other high-rises kneel before us.” But they didn’t count in planes hitting them, did they? Nope. Those big snotty skyscrapers got what they deserved. Yup…. And lets be honest here people, who hasn’t wanted to fly a plane into buildings, right? Remember… remember playing Legos as a kid? You’d build that perfect 747… just like on the box… then load it with pitiful passengers… and a few terrorists… Then ram into our brother’s model of the World Trade Center!! Remember that? Tubby? Big nose? … No? Didn’t have Legos tubby? Probably ate them all, eh? Mmmm… plastic… yeah…
Hey… hey where’s everyone going? I have 5 more minutes! Big nose? You too? … And fatty one and two, you’re leaving?
Fine. I’ll be back next week. I still have my whole bit called Jesus and women: Two useless things…
(A few claps)
Yes? No? …Well, I’d like to the thank the Hyatt Airport Motel for having me on such short notice… What’s that sir? Yes, you are correct, this is an open mic… Thanks for pointing that out. Now, can I do something for you? Perhaps another steak sandwich? Or maybe directions to “Curves” … No? Okay.
“Curves”, now there’s a place. You’re fat and a bit self-conscience about it, so why not lose weight at a place that renames obesity nice, soft and happy things? You’re not fat… you have Curves… Right fatty? Not you, tubby… The blimp next you spilling into the second row… Yes, you ma’am…with the Dale Earnhardt forever shirt. Do you miss him, #3? You do? Are you sad? … You are? … I’m sorry…. Are you sad because he’s gone or because you’re so large that small children are lost in your rolls? I mean seriously, they must have an amber alert anytime you go near a Chucky Cheese.
(random coughs)
Wow. Lot’s of angry people here tonight… Lots of angry fat people.
So, any Jews in here? A few? … yup, a few Jews in the crowd. I’m not Jewish, but my uncle is and man… is he a prick. You know what I’m talking about, right big nose? … What? You’re not Jewish? I didn’t think you were. I just figured you knew my uncle. He likes big-nosed chicks.
(gasps and angry muttering)
Anyone else here think 9/11 was a good idea? Did anyone seriously really like those two buildings? Honestly, I don’t miss them. They were big square and ugly…. Like twice the size of any other building in New York. That seems a little snotty to me, “Look at us, little buildings! We’re the World Trade Center one and two! … All other high-rises kneel before us.” But they didn’t count in planes hitting them, did they? Nope. Those big snotty skyscrapers got what they deserved. Yup…. And lets be honest here people, who hasn’t wanted to fly a plane into buildings, right? Remember… remember playing Legos as a kid? You’d build that perfect 747… just like on the box… then load it with pitiful passengers… and a few terrorists… Then ram into our brother’s model of the World Trade Center!! Remember that? Tubby? Big nose? … No? Didn’t have Legos tubby? Probably ate them all, eh? Mmmm… plastic… yeah…
Hey… hey where’s everyone going? I have 5 more minutes! Big nose? You too? … And fatty one and two, you’re leaving?
Fine. I’ll be back next week. I still have my whole bit called Jesus and women: Two useless things…