Time Out New Amsterdam

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Requests for archived publications from before 1626 must be addressed:
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Time Out Weckquaesgeeks Tribal Hunting Grounds
Small chunk of land not yet usurped, New Amsterdam

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KNIGHTS OF HUDSON
This fraternal society of Hudsons, bound by the ideal of Henry Hudson-to have every new landmark named after them, is open to all males of age named Hudson. This week celebrate the discovery of the Hudson Small Copse of Birch Trees Formerly Hidden by a Low Hill and the Hudson Clouds That Resembled a Fish Then a Castle Then Just Clouds.

COMMUNITY ACTION
Indian Removal
Come help force the Mazola Tribe off their own land. Bring as much refuse available in order that you may toss it about and filthy up their land. Whosoever’s trash elicits the most tears from a Mazola will receive free 10 acres of land and a bath.

LET’S GO DUTCH
A celebration of the all but foregone conclusion that the Americas will soon belong exclusively to our glorious Dutch people. Town Common. 6 of the clock.

NORTHWEST PASSAGE LOTTERY RESULTS
Another 25 more names have been drawn randomly and those men chosen to seek out the elusive shortcut to the East Indies. Monday, names will be nailed to the rector’s door. Wives of the first 100 men who have yet to return will be on site to offer coping strategies to the newly widowed.

SPINSTERS OF NEW AMSTERDAM
If you are enamored of cats, rocking chairs, and silence, this is the club for you. FCM: Five Cat Minimum.

ROUND EARTH SOCIETY
The eccentric members of this group may have some crazy beliefs, but the public is welcome to party like it’s 1699 with them this Tuesday to celebrate their recent “circumnavigation of the globe.” Whatever that means.

PERSONAGES ARE TALKING ABOUT…
INDENTURED SERVANTS
Dubbed “the new slavery” by the New Amsterdam Times, servant’s rights abolitionist Lady Allison Coalfitch explains the benefits of having servants wholly dependent upon you without the stigma of slavery. If not for the topic though, come witness the novelty of a woman speaking in public.

MUSEUM OF THE MOTIONLESS IMAGE
Explores man’s fascination with pictures that do not move, which is all of them. Interactive portion allows patrons to create their very own still images. Choose between: Bowl of Fruit, Candle by Window, or Goblet Struck by Shaft of Sunlight.

MUSEUM OF INDIAN MASSACRES
If you haven’t had time to exterminate an Indian tribe yet, be sure to check out this touring Spanish exhibit featuring a replica of the original smallpox blanket and recent advances in Indian killing technology. Ends with discussion on treaty breaking etiquette.

MUSEUM OF THEOLOGICAL HISTORY
Pins and Needles
From the creation of the earth 6000 years ago until now, the most pressing question has always been, “How many angels can fit on the head of a pin?” A to-scale wax display reveals the answer. Also check out the “How Demons Work” exhibit.

Pinpricks in the Sky
New Amsterdam’s recently rebuilt candletarium presents this highly accurate recreation of the night sky. The 30-meter long curtain and 800 candles representing the constellations will make you wonder if you’re inside of doors or out of them. But who’s behind the curtain? Curator Bartholomew Evans of course. And God. Praise God.

MUSEUM OF DUTCH-AMERICAN HISTORY
This one hall museum, though small, makes up for its size with its freeness. Free.

HISTORICAL REVISIONIST SOCIETY
The only remaining evidence proving indisputably that Norsemen and Chinese discovered America first will be publicly set ablaze all week. Is it hot in here, or is it just the truth burning? Open to the public.

NEW AMSTERDAM TRANSIT MUSEUM
Celebrating the conveniences and advances in travel brought to citizens by the wheel, the horse, and strong backed servants.

24 HOUR BIBLE READING MARATHON
From start to finish, a dozen of NAC’s leading ministers take turns round the clock to read aloud the entirety of the Old and New Testaments. Discussions with the author to follow after you die.

PREACHING THROUGH THE NIGHTSTAND
Gideons discuss their radical plan to spread the Gospel through the leaving of free Bibles in the nightstands of local inns. The prohibitive cost of books begs the question, “Who died and left them a printing press?”

THE DICTIONARY
Continuing reading series of Robert Cawdrey's A Table Alphabeticall, the singular collection of all words. This week, the letter "ƒ," featuring words such as “ƒolemn,” “ƒacroƒanct,” and “ƒwiƒƒneƒƒ.”

INDIANS: WHAT IS THEIR DEAL?
Adventurer/Pastor Fallow Sturbridge the Elder discusses his books and theories on why Indians continue to resist being overrun though it is manifest that God has sided with Europe. Silly natives.

I’M PREDESTINED FOR HEAVEN SO LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED
Calvinist Danforth Purview reads from his mostly autobiographical novel in which the protagonist engages in drinking, gambling and illicit carousing with women of questionable repute after proving theologically that he is bound for heaven. A limited number of guests shall be granted a glance at Mr. Purview’s next work “A Compendium of Persons to Murther Now That I Am Anointed.”

This week’s returning plagues include insider favorite Pleurisy, the Ague, and The Consumption. New World superstar Smallpox will also be making the rounds. “Out out brief candle” indeed! But then, the bard may have found it tougher to write while contending with 3 continent’s worth of ailments and a tomahawk up his ___. ;)

See CLOGGING

VISITING ARTISTS
Jamming on harpsichord tonight with the Prussian born The All-Stars of Minuets is Schroder von Kreiger. Expect both major and minor chords…because these guys take it to that level.

BATTLE PREACHING
Weekly. Lyrical masters Franciscan Friar Cruci-fikshun and His Eminence Grandmaster Trip duke it out to see whose rhymes can best instill the fear of old Splitfoot into the layman. Favorite verse from last show:
“Your words are like zeros, make less sense than Nero,
You call that salvation? Your faith is on vacation.
That ain’t no fire and brimstone, you make it sound nice, cozy, like my home,
You should give up your clergy gown,
In fact, we don’t want you here, see you in Jamestown”
(kicks over podium on way out door)

TORY NATIONAL CONVENTION
The TNC is coming to town and authorities are expecting record protests. Constabularies warn that handcuffs have been invented and will be used if necessary.

FUNG WAH CARRIAGE SERVICE
New Amsterdam to Boston. 5 schillings each way. No refunds.

BROWNSTONE WIGWAM
Pre-war (war not specified). Owner asking 1.2 million sea shells.

Do not.

Master Barber seeks journeyman/guinea pig on which to experiment with excessive bleeding techniques. Pale and waifish lads need not apply.