A FEW BEST/WORST LISTS

Worst Gangs to Fight in The Warriors Video Game

The Calligraphists

The 3rd Street Good Friends

The A Train Hemophiliacs

The Walter Mondales

The Stuytown Handicapables!

The Very Old Men With Bad Vision

The Secretaries

The Existential Quandaries

The Print Journalism Students Union

The Moist Boyzz

Les Petits Appertifs de Bronx

The Sponge Kittens

Cupcake Lovers Club

Worst Names for Metal Bands

The Monsters of Jaundice

Stül

Vulva Patrol

The Ergonomiks

It’s All Workin Out For the Best

Zest 4 Lyf

Megan’s Broken Law

Enemies of Pollen

Butterfly Dreams, featuring the Sequined Pajama Singers

Worst Ways to Open a Presidential Election Speech

“Today marks the first day of my 24 year Reign of Horror. So buckle up…”

“Black. White. Asian. Hispanic…who cares. You’re all a bunch of pussies.”

“I was trying to lose and you still elected me? Somebody, please, take these peoples’ democracy away—oh that’s right. That’s now my job.”

“The only thing I hate more than sobriety is not having a war to fight, but luckily I took care of both of those ten minutes ago.”

“Typos and leash laws will be my top priority.”

“As promised, the Jewish question is finally going to be answered with my presidency.”

“I, George W. Bush, do solemly swear…”

“I, Bill O’Reilly, do solemnly swear…”

“I, Derek Jemmin, do solemnly swear…” (he used to beat me up in 6th grade)

“Herein, life will officially be considered to have begun at intention.”

“Look, lie detectors make mistakes. You ask a lot of people if they were responsible for a spate of Mid-West killings in the 80’s and I’m sure plenty of them would fail that test too.”

“Herein, you can have roads or you can have electricity. I believe in your right to choose.”

“Guess who’s claiming the right of prima nocte…?”

“Hey everyone, turns out that car that runs on water really does exi--“ (cut off by 25 gun blasts from 25 different angles, no footage survives)

“In the words of the great Cthulu…”

“I hope you all have an incredibly high threshold for suffering and pain, cause you’re going to need it for the next four years.”

“I’m a big fan of the way Mexican prisons are run and I think they’re a great model for our country.”

“I’m pretty sure you’d be a lot better off with the guy who lost, but, hey, your choice…”

“A car in every garage, a cop on every street, and a camera in every bedroom. These are my pledges to you, America.”

“My unyielding, fundamentalist belief in Astrology will not affect my judgment. Unless Virgo is rising. Then some shit’s gonna go down!”

“Everyone who can not conjugate the French verb Perdrer is asked to leave the country.”