Tips for Celebrating Super Bowl XL

* Despite all your hours of practicing, all those expensive dance lessons, none of the partygoers will be impressed by your flawless performance of “The Super Bowl Shuffle.”

* Shouting “Some of us are trying to read here!” will only alienate you from your fellow bar patrons.

* Telling guests at great length your home’s “Proper Rules for Party Conduct” will result in what police typically refer to as “spite damage.”

* Use the large gathering to help defray costs and celebrate two events concurrently, such as “Go Seahawks!/In Memoriam, Miriam.”

* “Wanna take this outside?!?” is no way to resolve a disagreement over a Pepsi ad.

* Should you attend a Super Bowl party but have no interest in professional football, subtly steer the evening’s conversation toward the latest Harper’s Index.

* Save all questions like “Who are the guys in the black helmets?” for Google.

* Remember, there is only a two-second difference between “celebratory hug” and “stay the night.”

* Abstain from saying, "The girls on The View will have a field day with this!” out loud.

* If you are even mildly turned on by the Bud Bowl cheerleaders, it’s time to go home.

* Note that on any other day subsisting entirely on nachos supreme, chicken strips and Natural Light would be a drastic cry for help.

* Telling the television set “This isn’t over” after your team loses will more than likely unnerve your fellow viewers.

* When painting your entire body in your team’s colors, recall this handy phrase—“Lead equals dead.”

* Screaming “Don’t look at me!!!” is not going to make your crying over a sappy television commercial any less awkward.

* “Now what did we all learn from this?” is no way to wrap up a Super Bowl party.