Things I’d like to be...
And get paid handsomely for
After serious contemplation, coupled with several years of having checking and credit accounts “charged off,” I’m submitting a list of careers in which I believe I’d excel, given the proper monetary motivation:
Christopher Walken
I’d like to be the first to throw my hat in the ring. (I saw in the grocery checkout line that aliens have abducted the eccentric actor, in exchange for a clean burning fossil fuel). Plus, I do a mean impression of the guy… In my car… Alone… with the radio turned up. Just take my word for it… It’s money.
Someone Who Can Name Any Voice, On Any Radio or TV Ad
I have an uncanny knack for recognizing people’s voices. I may not always know the name, but I can do the “He was the guy who killed all those kittens… You know, in that Lifetime movie…” Such talent deserves compensation… Preferably, tens and twenties.
The Guy Who Determines “The New Black”
Somewhere, in an office closet, sits a small, meager man with a limp and one purpose: Determine a color replacement for black, in the world of fashion. With the beginning of each new fashion season, he steps out into a room full of eager designers, holds up an index card, printed with one word. A wave of excitement and relief fills the room: “ Blue! It’s blue, people!” Followed by the kudos and compensation… “Beautifully done once again, sir… Here’s your enormous paycheck. Take a nap. We’ll see you next spring.”
I wish to be this man.
A Charcoal Briquette
I never could get it right in my method acting class. I always sizzle when I should smolder.
An Idiot
Idiots have it made. Paid idiots live in a candy-covered, self- proclaimed utopia, relishing their well-deserved American arrogance and pride of passive responsibility.
Money in the bank, plus I can save the use of my brain for science.
Cartoonist/Comedy Writer
Right. Moving on… Without the sarcasm, people!
Nothing
Based on how hard #5 has proved to achieve, I believe I can safely assume it's every man’s dream to collect a lofty salary for doing absolutely nothing with, for, or about anyone or anything.
A Rock Star
Badass clothes and expensive hotel rooms, stocked with free, endless alcohol. Never being held accountable for your irresponsible behavior, with hot chicks crawling over you, just for learning three lousy power cords.
Yes, please.
A Brewmaster
If you were the one making the beer, logic would dictate you get to drink the beer. A lot and, in all probability, for free.
Sign me up, cowboy!
A Celebrity Chef
I make a mean sandwich, or as I’ve renamed it for marketing purposes, The Samwich™. My lack of any culinary education should prove to be a non-issue, as I produce several network programs, books and magazines, based on a lazy rip-off retooling of an American lunch classic.
An Idea Man
The basic concept: I sit around all day in my Superman Underoos™, collecting payment for any and all ideas. “ So, it’s called a Samwich™? Marvelous! Please accept this tidy sum for your troubles.”
A Paid Writer for DrinkatWork.com
To quote a very reliable DAW source: “ Keep dreamin’, douchebag.”
Yours in nonsensical poverty,
C.
Christopher Walken
I’d like to be the first to throw my hat in the ring. (I saw in the grocery checkout line that aliens have abducted the eccentric actor, in exchange for a clean burning fossil fuel). Plus, I do a mean impression of the guy… In my car… Alone… with the radio turned up. Just take my word for it… It’s money.
Someone Who Can Name Any Voice, On Any Radio or TV Ad
I have an uncanny knack for recognizing people’s voices. I may not always know the name, but I can do the “He was the guy who killed all those kittens… You know, in that Lifetime movie…” Such talent deserves compensation… Preferably, tens and twenties.
The Guy Who Determines “The New Black”
Somewhere, in an office closet, sits a small, meager man with a limp and one purpose: Determine a color replacement for black, in the world of fashion. With the beginning of each new fashion season, he steps out into a room full of eager designers, holds up an index card, printed with one word. A wave of excitement and relief fills the room: “ Blue! It’s blue, people!” Followed by the kudos and compensation… “Beautifully done once again, sir… Here’s your enormous paycheck. Take a nap. We’ll see you next spring.”
I wish to be this man.
A Charcoal Briquette
I never could get it right in my method acting class. I always sizzle when I should smolder.
An Idiot
Idiots have it made. Paid idiots live in a candy-covered, self- proclaimed utopia, relishing their well-deserved American arrogance and pride of passive responsibility.
Money in the bank, plus I can save the use of my brain for science.
Cartoonist/Comedy Writer
Right. Moving on… Without the sarcasm, people!
Nothing
Based on how hard #5 has proved to achieve, I believe I can safely assume it's every man’s dream to collect a lofty salary for doing absolutely nothing with, for, or about anyone or anything.
A Rock Star
Badass clothes and expensive hotel rooms, stocked with free, endless alcohol. Never being held accountable for your irresponsible behavior, with hot chicks crawling over you, just for learning three lousy power cords.
Yes, please.
A Brewmaster
If you were the one making the beer, logic would dictate you get to drink the beer. A lot and, in all probability, for free.
Sign me up, cowboy!
A Celebrity Chef
I make a mean sandwich, or as I’ve renamed it for marketing purposes, The Samwich™. My lack of any culinary education should prove to be a non-issue, as I produce several network programs, books and magazines, based on a lazy rip-off retooling of an American lunch classic.
An Idea Man
The basic concept: I sit around all day in my Superman Underoos™, collecting payment for any and all ideas. “ So, it’s called a Samwich™? Marvelous! Please accept this tidy sum for your troubles.”
A Paid Writer for DrinkatWork.com
To quote a very reliable DAW source: “ Keep dreamin’, douchebag.”
Yours in nonsensical poverty,
C.