Reunited and It Feels Like Brand Retooling

According to an article in today's New York Times, Barbie and Ken have patched up their differences and gotten back together, just in time to curtail Mattel's nosedive into poverty.

According to Mattel, Barbie left Ken back in February 2004 for "Blaine" (we're almost happy this isn't a joke), thereby proving that when it comes to men everybody's favorite peroxide blonde is:

A. Without any radar whatsoever
B. Really in it for the challenge
-OR-
C. Just wants a partner with similar interests

Alas, two years later Barbie finally realized that lovers can only sit side-by-side on the bed flagging pages in Lucky and Cargo for so long before ennui sets in, questions are raised and a kitchen remodeling is put on hold. And so Barbie returned to the only man in her life who not only really got who she is but could also wear Banana Republic's "Double Zero" pants.

Those longing for the plastic romance of yore, however, are in for a surprise. Ken is returning to Barbie a changed man (we'll pause while you think up your own penis joke). Gone are the swimming trunks, T-shirts, perma-tan and rumors of any liaison with Jann Wenner. Want to know what Barbie can now expect when Ken comes roaring back into town, no doubt in a hybrid dream car and listening to a Starbucks Radio podcast? Then read the following checklist, all of which is 100% true and all of which can be verified by reading the aforementioned article:

* According to Mattel, Ken was so heartbroken that he traveled Europe and the Middle East in search of himself, dabbling in "Buddhism, Catholicism and cooking," all of which could have easily been achieved in a single weekend at the Learning Annex.

* The new Ken has been restyled by "celebrity primper" Philip Bloch, who has dressed Pierce Brosnan, Johnny Depp and Sean Combs and who clearly has never taken a moment to stop and think just what exactly is he doing with his life.

* Ken's new wardrobe will include "cargo pants, a fitted suit with peak lapels and a motorcycle jacket," all in a bold attempt to make him look like every asshole in every bar in every business district around the world.

* Mr Bloch views his remodeled Ken as "Matthew McConaughey meets Orlando Bloom," thereby harnessing all the star power of two actors who have yet to successfully open a motion picture on the basis of their name alone.

* Ken now listens to Norah Jones, which means he has now officially made the leap from sexual cipher to soccer mom.