Comedy Writing’s Silent Killer
In my continuing attempts to weasel my way into the groups that write the funny, I’ve observed a potentially deadly problem: brain vomiting. It seems when the group is really in sync, really churning out some comedy gold, a brain vomit can abruptly break down the groove and destroy any hope of success.
I’ll show you what I mean…
Okay, say I want to start a column about being torn down the middle on issues affecting my life. So, I’m torn… on issues… torn… Natalie Imbruglia (What was Prince thinking?)… Rip Torn. Remember Defending Your Life? God he was great in that. Revitalized his career, I think. Best part in the movie: “The Hall of Past Lives”. Meryl Streep is saving people as a fireman and Albert Brooks is lunch for a charging tiger. Comedy Gold! Remember the time the mountain lion was in the school ventilation and Groundskeeper Willy ran to the cafeteria lady and says, “Have yoo any grease?” And she says: “Yes. Yes I do.” Then Willy yells, “Then gllllease me oop, woman!”…. Ha!
Wait…what was I going to write about? Oh God… Get the nurse. I just brain vomited.
Notice how my simulated cranial episode ended with a Simpsons reference. This is the most severe of brain vomits. If you’re spewing The Simpsons, you can bet whatever was being discussed, no matter how brilliant, is gone. Let’s say you’re writing with some pals and everyone is in that magic groove, the comedy gold rush, as it were. Guys are effortlessly throwing out inspired genius left and right. Suddenly, without warning or provocation, it happens: An obscure line from The Simpsons. At first, it seems like nothing more than an innocent attempt at a break in an intense think tank session. But then comes a retort, a la Mr. Burns… And a scratchy-throated line from Moe. And finally, the piece de resistance: Homer, from the pot episode, barking his surprise at the existence of his own kitchen. Before you know it, the room has devolved into a college dorm at 3pm on a Friday. May as well spark up some herb and order some ‘za boys, workday’s over. After the several minutes of tear-jerking laughter subside, comes the telling phrase of comedy lost: “What were we talking about?” Things decline even further when you realize no one wrote anything down before the sickness took control. Another brilliant sitcom, short story, or Lifetime movie falls victim to a group brain vomit.
Few shows have the ill effect The Simpsons have on a group of comedy writers. Sure, there are the sniffles and coughs from movies or TV shows of the day. I’ve heard the South Park sneezes, Family Guy hacking and of course, there’s always the movie expectorant... Who can forget Fat Bastard and all those mangled attempts at a Scottish accent, followed by Dr. Evil’s pinky to the lips? These, however, are only symptoms that, 9 times out of 10, deteriorate into the full on brain vomit of Simpsons episodes. It’s a near guarantee. It’s like… It’s like Baseball. The one constant throughout the years, Ray, has always been baseball. It’s been erased and re written like… uh, (ahem) sorry. I have a bit of a cough.
In conclusion, let’s review some of the ways to stop a brain vomit before it starts…
I’ll show you what I mean…
Okay, say I want to start a column about being torn down the middle on issues affecting my life. So, I’m torn… on issues… torn… Natalie Imbruglia (What was Prince thinking?)… Rip Torn. Remember Defending Your Life? God he was great in that. Revitalized his career, I think. Best part in the movie: “The Hall of Past Lives”. Meryl Streep is saving people as a fireman and Albert Brooks is lunch for a charging tiger. Comedy Gold! Remember the time the mountain lion was in the school ventilation and Groundskeeper Willy ran to the cafeteria lady and says, “Have yoo any grease?” And she says: “Yes. Yes I do.” Then Willy yells, “Then gllllease me oop, woman!”…. Ha!
Wait…what was I going to write about? Oh God… Get the nurse. I just brain vomited.
Notice how my simulated cranial episode ended with a Simpsons reference. This is the most severe of brain vomits. If you’re spewing The Simpsons, you can bet whatever was being discussed, no matter how brilliant, is gone. Let’s say you’re writing with some pals and everyone is in that magic groove, the comedy gold rush, as it were. Guys are effortlessly throwing out inspired genius left and right. Suddenly, without warning or provocation, it happens: An obscure line from The Simpsons. At first, it seems like nothing more than an innocent attempt at a break in an intense think tank session. But then comes a retort, a la Mr. Burns… And a scratchy-throated line from Moe. And finally, the piece de resistance: Homer, from the pot episode, barking his surprise at the existence of his own kitchen. Before you know it, the room has devolved into a college dorm at 3pm on a Friday. May as well spark up some herb and order some ‘za boys, workday’s over. After the several minutes of tear-jerking laughter subside, comes the telling phrase of comedy lost: “What were we talking about?” Things decline even further when you realize no one wrote anything down before the sickness took control. Another brilliant sitcom, short story, or Lifetime movie falls victim to a group brain vomit.
Few shows have the ill effect The Simpsons have on a group of comedy writers. Sure, there are the sniffles and coughs from movies or TV shows of the day. I’ve heard the South Park sneezes, Family Guy hacking and of course, there’s always the movie expectorant... Who can forget Fat Bastard and all those mangled attempts at a Scottish accent, followed by Dr. Evil’s pinky to the lips? These, however, are only symptoms that, 9 times out of 10, deteriorate into the full on brain vomit of Simpsons episodes. It’s a near guarantee. It’s like… It’s like Baseball. The one constant throughout the years, Ray, has always been baseball. It’s been erased and re written like… uh, (ahem) sorry. I have a bit of a cough.
In conclusion, let’s review some of the ways to stop a brain vomit before it starts…
- Stop watching TV and movies. Lock yourself in a closet with a copy of Cat Fancy and Tang. Your comedy writing may become obscure and nearly suicidal, but at least you’ll have something written down.
- Kill all your friends. You’ll probably go to prison, where you’ll be too busy protecting
the ol’ cornhole to think about funny. - Kill yourself. You’ll go to Hell where the only television is Cop Rock and Oprah. The only movie playing is Hocus Pocus. Your brain will rot and leak out your ears within 5 minutes.
- Get a friend in the group to write down all your ideas before you experience an episode.
- If you recognize the symptoms occurring in a friend, try and throw out a few JAG or Queer Eye references. If the situation seems particularly dire, stand up and yell, “Did anyone seeDesperate Housewives last night? I am so pissed at Brie…”
- Stay off the sauce and go to bed at 8pm each night. Studies have found these two things directly contribute to severe cases of chronic brain vomiting.