The Drink at Work.com "It's Halloween so Get Ready for Christmas" Collection

It's October 31st, which means that according to Wal-Mart, Target and every other major retailer in the United States we at Drink at Work.com are already a good two weeks late in trumpeting the Christmas season. So let us make up for our feliz navidad faux pas by presenting our apparently belated "Holiday Specials Hotlist" of articles:

The Drink at Work.com Guide to Long-Forgotten Holiday Specials (New)

Deleted Scenes from 1965's A Charlie Brown Christmas

The Diary of Frosty the Snowman

But for those of you who just can't get into the Christmas spirit despite the fact that it's almost November, then my all means live in the past (well, immediate present) with our Drink at Work.com Halloween Guide to Drink at Work.com Halloween Guides.

Drink at Work Says, "I Love You, Man!"

Hey...hey, shut up a second. Shhhh. We just wanta say something. No, seriously, we're serious...quiet. Seriously now. Look, you're gonna think this is the booze talking, but it's not. Lemme finish. We got a lot of love. And we want to just give it out, put it out there. Be a little real for once, you know what I'm sayin'? So here's some love for those goddamn beautiful sons of a guns who've gone and given so much to us. You're a real, real beautiful bunch of people...and we're sorry we don't say that enough. Ok, let's do a shot. Barkeep! A shot for our friends here.

A big ass "I Love You, Man" bear hug is going out to these folks (cause we love them):



Sean Crespo and Dan Bialek
for being our drinking buddies on Wednesday

Tom Shillue
for being a friend as well as a god

Austin Mayor
for being ass-out awesome

Emily "emdashes" Gordan
for being so freakin' classy

Jodiferous
for threatening "...if you send me spam, I will kill you"

Leo Petr
for being Latvian and Canadian

And David Rees
for one of the best stand-up performances we've seen in a while

And finally, a special congratulations to Emily Flake on the publication of her Lulu Eightball collection and to the Comics Curmudgeon on finally getting hitched.

The Friday DrinkPod Download

Wake in Place by The Meanwhiles

Pins for Lose Geographies by The Comas

Bitter From the Start by Seems So Bright

Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum by Creaky Boards

How Should "FOX and Friends" Steve Doocy Be Consumed?

A. In small portions to get us through the long winter months.

B. Quickly in one sitting, lest he speak.

C. The man cannot be stomached. He should be made into chum and used to capture journalists of real substance.

The More You Know...

Dear NYC Comedians:

I go to a lot of comedy shows and I have a great sense of humor. I can ALWAYS laugh at myself. If you've got a joke about white girls from Alabama who now live in New York and complain about how they can never find good okra, grits or biscuits, I'm the girl you want in the audience. I will laugh at that joke.

However, on many occasions I've noticed some of you comedians scoring easy laughs with lazy jokes about Alabama or the South in general, and frankly it pisses me off to no end. And it's not simply because I'm from Alabama, it's because I'm a comedy fan and I know you can do better. For the most part, those of you who I've seen do this have previously demonstrated your ability to create intelligent material. But when it comes to these Southern jokes, you shit the bed. I guess you just occasionally like to take a moment to knock one out of the park for your open-minded-about-everything-except-those-people Lower East Side audience. But could you maybe sort of try actually writing a joke rather than just saying the name of a state? Yes, I know it's an instant laugh to say "Alabama" to a room full of barrista/improv students who've never actually been there, but I thought you downtown comedians were edgier than that. You know, less whorish.

It's not that I object to your making a joke about the South. I mean, come on, there's LOTS of great jokes to make about the South. Judge Roy Moore — the 10 Commandments in the courthouse guy — is running for governor of Alabama for christ's sake. It's right there, you lazy bastards, read a paper!

So, to set the record straight: Your southern cab driver was not toothless. You can get a medical or law degree in Birmingham. Alabamians do not hold regular book burnings. And though there is still plenty of racism in the south, I have two words for you: Long Island. So do me and everyone else a favor and stop being such bitches.

Yours,
Carol

Office Overhearsions™

Guy talking to girl in the cubicle next to mine, two minutes ago:

"The rule of thumb is to go where there are the fewest Russians."

Notes from Ann Coulter's Editor

Dear Ann:

* Please do not spell things phonetically. You clearly mispronounce a lot of words.

* Never start a sentence with "and," "but" or your crush on Timothy McVeigh.

* You have a tendency to write awkward sentences when working with concepts unfamiliar to you, such as American history.

* Although 780 endnotes is indeed impressive, almost all of yours seem to cite dreams, overheard bus conversations and blackface vaudevillian routines.

* Considering his death, perhaps it's best if you rephrase "I want to blow Ronald Reagan" in the past tense.

* Please check to ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, not simply a target and a racial slur.

* Contrary to your impassioned statements, James G. Watt's environmental policies did not, in fact, bring back the unicorn.

* Introductory elements of a sentence typically tend to establish either time or condition, not the author's overwhelming insecurity or need to avenge third-grade taunts.

* Keep your sentences simple, not your thoughts.

* The word "God" does not appear in the U.S. Constitution. Neither does the word "genocide."

* If you consult our publishing house's manual of style you'll notice that we frown on printing white text on white paper, despite your crippling fear of all things black.

* Read your manuscript out loud. If it sounds like Deutschland Uber Alles could easily be played in the background while you speak, we may have a problem.

* I'm very uncomfortable with the numerous rape fantasies in your manuscript, whether its the rape of the earth, of our natural resources or of you by Joe McCarthy.

* While I understand that you like to engage in hyperbole, calling yourself "attractive" is simply pushing it.

Unaired Peanuts TV Specials

In celebration of tonight's television broadcast of It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, we present the following list of never-aired Peanuts specials from the 1970s to today.

Wave the Flag or Wave Goodbye, Charlie Brown

It's Tae Bo Beagle, Charlie Brown

Invest Everything You Have in Kozmo.com, Charlie Brown

The Killer Bees Will Never Reach Us in Ontario, Charlie Brown

Why Does My Mom Have Your Dad's Keys, Charlie Brown?

It's Tae Kwon Dog, Charlie Brown

It's the Pine Tar Bat Game, Charlie Brown

How Will Luke and Laura Get Out of This One, Charlie Brown?

You Shouldn't Have Cloned Linus, Charlie Brown (Or Is That Just Rerun?)

Do You Even Know How to Flip Real Estate, Charlie Brown?

Apparently Now Snoopy's into Capoeira, Charlie Brown

Maybe It's the Killian's Red Talking but This Is the Best St. Patrick's Day Ever, Charlie Boyo!

It's Called Alopecia, Charlie Brown

Because When Your House Is on Fire, Best to Water the Plants

From today's New York Times:

Protecting the Presidential Seal. No Joke.

You might have thought that the White House had enough on its plate late last month, what with its search for a new Supreme Court nominee, the continuing war in Iraq and the C.I.A. leak investigation. But it found time to add another item to its agenda - stopping The Onion, the satirical newspaper, from using the presidential seal.

Full article

Thanks to Dan for the heads-ups!

The Drink at Work.com Halloween Guide to Drink at Work.com Halloween Guides

How to Find the Drop-Dead Perfect Halloween Costume for Next Year but Scramble in an Absolute Panic Trying to Put Together Something Resembling an Outfit or at Least Find a Mask Without a Zipper by this October 31st (2003)

Halloween Party Rules, Reminders and Regrets (2004)

Halloween Tips for Adults (2005)

And for those who like pictures with their words:
Happy Halloween from Medium Large (2004)

The Friday DrinkPod Download

The Country by Eli and the Indoor Boys

Bootleg Dreams by Battlestar America

Starfuck Me by Up the Empire

A Congregation of Snakes by Humans

A Quick Moment with Carol

NY Sales Meeting + Carol + Open Bar + Country Band =
The Rockin'est Rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama" You Ever Heard!

In the interest of full disclosure, I was not yet intoxicated at this point in the evening. However, these fine gentlemen of the band Gowanus Corral refused to play the song unless I agreed to sing it with them. After quickly Googling the lyrics to the third verse in the hotel lobby, I agreed. A good time was had by all.

xoxo,
Carol

P.S. Note the kick-ass Pela t-shirt.

Somebody's Little Sister #4

Somebody's Little Sister #3

Overheard...

...one man's pay-phone conversation, while waiting to cross 86th Street and Lexington Avenue.

Man:...So the doctor gave me two X-rays and a sonogram...That's right, the bitch gave me a sonogram...How the hell should should I know why he did it?! Am I the doctor? No, I'm the patient! A patient doesn't give a doctor a test. A doctor gives a patient a sonogram...Of course I've been drinking!...

Somebody's Little Sister #2

Arguments for Eminent Domain

Seriously, which is more practical—a few homes’ towel closets or one Linens & Things Superstore?

Seizing property for “public use” overturns decades of misanthropic homeowners refusing entry to absolute strangers.

Upward mobility and entertainment for all as state governments can now reclassify “blighted area” to mean “currently without a sports complex.”

Dissenting opinion that by expanding the definition of eminent domain a “spectre of condemnation hangs over all property” easily countered by fact that homeowners have had more than enough time to plant gardens to attract tourists and negate the need for seizure.

Developers ability to lowball offers to mandatory sellers means goodbye to lengthy and oft-tedious bidding process.

Allows town to update scruffy historic district with spiffy parking facility for Best Buy.

Somebody's Little Sister

This Week's Eye Opener

After the Avian Flu Pandemic
Francesco Marciuliano

The few survivors break into two warring factions, “The Feral Slashers” and “The Milksop Fops.” The ensuing battle is swift and decisive.

Full Article

The Friday DrinkPod Download

Post Rock Defends the Nation by Bon Savants

B.I.N.G.O. Baby by The Avery Ellis Exhibit(s)

My Ally by Hello Nurse

Like It Was Yesterday by Saints and Lovers

Rick Moranis Has a Country Album?

Yes, Rick Moranis has a country album.

Thanks to Drew for the heads-up!

Now THAT'S an Obituary

From the Chicago Tribune:

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans.

Thanks to Dan for the heads-up!

Humming Along to Your Private Shame

Inspired by the great WFMU blog's Have You Heard About the Lonesome Losers? posting today, I'm going to make my secret shames public and list a few 70's AM radio hits that I really, truly enjoy...far more than any sensible man should.

While I cannot state with any hint of sincerity that the following songs merit such repeat attention, I can say that each reminds me of my halcyon elementary-school days, when I engaged in vicious acorn wars with neighborhood kids; played drums--actually a "Gunsmoke" lunchbox and Duraflame crate--in "Coach," the worst band ever to cover both the Ramones and Styx exclusively on blank 8-track tapes; tried unsuccessfully to convince a friend that an X-acto knife and a Bic pen spring do not a "bionic frog" make; tried unsuccessfully to convince same friend that the soul of his "pet robot"--an inverted wastebasket on wheels with Owens Corning insulation for hair and a "mouth" to eat "magic pellets" made out of different-color napkins--did not have its soul captured by the Viet Cong; got the briefest glimpse of Penthouse models lying spread-eagle on my family's glass dining room table; and lived in a trailer home in our own driveway with a large pipe that ran into the bathroom in the basement for a full year because my mother had heard a kid crying, assumed that I had been beaned during another acorn war, and fled the kitchen to save me, only to leave the stove on, burn half our house down and later learn that I had spent the whole afternoon playing Sorry! at a friend's house. Ahh, the days before the Internet and regular adult supervision...

Anyway, here are the aforementioned songs, listed in no particular order (and, sadly, sans mp3 links...unless someone knows of such a source, he asked quite slyly):

America--"Sister Golden Hair"
England Dan and John Ford Coley--"I'd Really Love to See You Tonight"
Jim Croce--"I'll Have to Say I Love You in a Song"
John Denver--"Take Me Home Country Roads"
Billy Joel--"Scenes from an Italian Restaurant"
Orleans--"Dance with Me"
Partridge Family--"I Think I Love You"
Rod Stewart--"You're in My Heart" and "Maggie May"
Stephen Stills--"Love the One You're With"
Three Dog Night--"Shambala"
Supertramp--"Take the Long Way Home"
10CC--"The Things We Do for Love"

And now that I've pissed away whatever coolness the writer for "Sally Forth" could ever have possibly possessed, I ask you--what are your "private shame" favorite songs?

A Quick Moment with Carol

There's a girl with red hair on my floor who I hate. I have never spoken to her, but she is my mortal enemy. She is humorless and wears a Yeti vest and walks with her head at a strange angle. And she doesn't walk, she catwalks. The only way I would ever like her is if I found out her name was Frank. But it isn't, it's probably Shasta.

Stupid red-haired Shasta who I hate, go back where you came from. This is a place of business.

xoxo,
Carol

Drink at Work.com Endorses...

The number one question we've been getting over the last three months is, "Who do you like in the Birmingham City Council, District 3 race?" We've been hesitant to answer as we don't like making our political opinions known; we're above that sort of obtuse self-importance. However, since today is the day that tens of citizens of Birmingham, AL will race to the polls to cast their votes for the one legislative body that has the power to kill with a word, we figure its about time to put our asses where our mouth is and officially endorse someone who has the cashews to suggest that a city councilperson can do better than create one new community garden every four years. Therefore...

Drink at Work.com Officially Endorses Chris Hartsell
for Birmingham City Council, District 3

Smart, practical and progressive, Chris Hartsell opens doors that others claim are locked, asks questions no one else wants to ask and has a vision where others suffer from hysterical blindness. If your idea of a good leader is someone who has a thousand great excuses for why they didn't do their job, don't vote for Chris. But if you happen to want a representative who doesn't take no for answer when it comes to making Birmingham the city it can and should be, Chris is your man.

So, to the literally thousands of Drink at Work readers who live in Crestwood, we say, "Get thee to the polls!" Vote for Chris! He ain't heavy, he's our brother.

"Scare the Crap Out of Humanity" Headline of the Day

Well, I guess mankind had a good run...

Homeland Security to Be Lead in Flu Crisis

WASHINGTON - If the nightmare of an avian flu pandemic emerges from the dark chapters of doomsday scenarios, it will fall to the Department of the Homeland Security, not the medical establishment, to manage the crisis, according to federal documents and interviews with government officials.

Full story.

Thanks to Chuck for the heads-up.

This Week's Eye Opener

The Drink at Work.com Fall 2005 Horoscope
Francesco Marciuliano

Aquarius: Sooner or later you are going to have to realize that all the alcohol, all the powerful hallucinogenics, all the anonymous sex with groups of three or four people at a time simply will not bring back “Becker.”

Full Article

See This Film!

Watch the trailer to the truly remarkable Paradise Now (which we were very fortunate to see at the New York Film Festival). Then see the movie on October 28th.

The Friday DrinkPod Download

Fight Song by Project Jenny Project Jan

Moon Boots by Motel Creeps

Rachel's Underground by Autumn Thieves

Broken Hoof by General Miggs

Helping You Plan for Next Summer

Check out the brand new trailer for our buddy Michael Fry's upcoming CGI animated movie Over the Hedge, based on his (and T. Lewis's) great comic strip and coming via DreamWorks Summer 2006.

A Sign from Above

Fabricate your own heavenly message with the Church Sign Generator.

Aziz's Balls

Someone asked me recently why Aziz Ansari is so popular. It occurs to me that the best, most-to-the-point answer to that question is one word: balls. If Robocop and the Hulk had a son...if that were possible in some spectacularly macho parallel universe where ovaries were unnecessary for conception...and that son grew up to have sex with and impregnate King Kong and they had a son, that kid might have a quarter of Aziz's balls.

To wit:
Shittiest Mixtape Boombox Blast Video

"And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide."

These days it's relatively easy to find a blog offering the latest MP3 from Death Cab for Cutie or Franz Ferdinand (and we visit such blogs often). But a blog that shines a light on Big Country's "Look Away," one of the four or five songs I inadvertently used to drive my sophomore-year roommate Drew to the brink of insanity back in '86? Now that's a site worth mentioning.

And so we urge you to check out the edifying and supremely entertaining Jefitoblog, an MP3 blog that recognizes that there was indeed music recorded before third-quarter 2005. Where else can one find such auditory gems as The Complete Idiot's Guides to Otis Redding Part One and Part Two, The Replacements, Ry Cooder and, curiously enough, Toto. The site also gives a heads-up on new releases from Nada Surf, David Gray and, yes, Franz Ferdinand,, who the blog perfectly captures with the line "I liked them better when they were called The Knack."

Speaking of The Knack and music from the late 70's-early 80's, we also strongly suggest you visit Jodiferous. While not technically an MP3 blog, provides great music with its segment "Then and Now," featuring original and cover versions of classics from Violent Femmes, Depeche Mode and Dire Straits. Plus, where else are you going to hear Rubberband Man?

So go forth and enjoy.

A Quick Moment with Carol

An image googling of my hometown — Tarrant, AL —
turns up these revealing links:

Tarrant City Fats

Willie Mae Moon of Tarrant City, Alabama

CSXT's Boyles Terminal at Tarrant City, AL

Held for Postage in Tarrant, AL

xoxo,
Carol

Typical Ain’t It Cool News.com Talkback Posts

Presented with affection for the site.

"Only I would know how to treat Natalie Portman right."

"X-Men 3 is gonna suck just like X-Men 2 sucked just like every movie has sucked since I gave up on becoming a screenwriter."

"How can they make a new Superman movie and completely disregard Issue #232, Page 12, Panel 3, Line 2?! Idiots!"

"Kevin Smith is a great filmmaker but his last nine movies blew."

"Did anyone else catch the satirical nod to Night of the Lepus in yesterday's episode of Beastmaster: The Series?"

"On the off-chance that Angelina Jolie is reading this…"

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer stopped being good after I stopped watching it."

"I made a widget that counts down the hours until the premiere of The Hobbit movie. By the way, does anyone know when that movie is coming out?"

"If the Sci-Fi Channel really cared about its viewers it would do a remake of Galactica 1980."

"I just noticed that Jeri Ryan's Star Trek character 'Seven of Nine' sounds suspiciously like '69'! Discuss."

"To the jackass who brought up Galactica 1980 earlier, you completely forgot to mention the addition of the 'Super Scout' kids to the show. Christ, either do your research or don't bother posting!"

"Everybody who wastes time on this site is just a loser with nothing else to do and I’ll keep posting that fact here every hour on the hour until you all get my point."

"Am I the only one to notice that Futurama is factually inaccurate? Wake up, people!"

"Christina Ricci, Christina Ricci, Christina Ricci…"

"First!"

The Devil Made Him Do It

Judge Roy Moore, of the 10 Commandments in the court house fame, is running for governor of Alabama.

Full Story

The Drink at Work.com Newswire

Illiterate Scores Record 42,327 Points in Scrabble Tourney

Kansas High-School Textbook Actually Transcript of Old Davey & Goliath Episode

Republican Party "This Close" to Raising Army of Undead

Coma Victim "Not Missing Much" this TV Season

Civil War Reenactor Using Uniform as Excuse to Be Racist

Family Spends 15 Minutes in Museum, Two Hours in Gift Shop

Jesus Fears Painting Makes Him Look Fat

Gorilla Uses Sign Language to Pan Into the Blue

Request to Guess Age Ends in Tears

Andy Capp Refused Liver Transplant

This Week's Eye Opener

Less-Than-Arresting Beginnings to Autobiographies
Francesco Marciuliano

“Being born without senses makes it difficult to know if I am actually writing this book or not.”

“During my lifetime I have made many powerful enemies, both in Everquest as well as through Xbox Live.”

“As head coach of the New York Yankees in the era of DiMaggio, Ford and Mantle, I probably would have been great. I also think I would have made one hell of a pirate or Humphrey Bogart.”

Full Article