A Very Brief Conversation with Dad

From earlier this afternoon.

Dad:: I've been telling everyone I know about that thing you do.
Ces:: Wow, that's really nice, Dad...What thing?
Dad:: You know, your website. "Dick at Work."

The Friday DrinkPod Download

Coat Check Girl by The Rinse

Run & Hide by The Walkup

Her Own Conversation by Lolita Bras

A Dublin Train Station by Embers

The Giant Squid Vs. Newly-Appointed Chief Justice John Roberts: A Hastily-Conceived Comparison

Giant Squid: Confirmed by Japanese researchers working for the National Science Museum in Tokyo and the Ogasawara Whale-Watching Association after decades of research and dangerous deep-sea exploration.
Chief Justice Roberts: Confirmed by some guys who wanted to get things done by October.

Giant Squid: Witnessed "to be a much more active predator than previously suspected, using its elongate feeding tentacles to strike and tangle prey."
Chief Justice Roberts: Witnessed hovering over Shoney's soup and salad bar, unwilling to make his food selection known in public.

Giant Squid: Immortalized in Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
Chief Justice Roberts: Immortalized in Hedgepeth v. WMATA (2004), also known as the "French fry" case, in which Roberts upheld the arrest and detention of a 12-year-old girl who ate a French fry inside a D.C. subway station.

Giant Squid: Previously mistaken as the stuff of legend in some circles of the scientific community.
Chief Justice Roberts: Previously mistaken that "Roe was wrongly decided and should be overruled" in Rust v. Sullivan (1990).

Giant Squid: Discovery heralds an enthralling new era in the study of oceanography.
Chief Justice Roberts: Appointment signifies that the end can't come soon enough.

A Quick Moment with Carol

Neon = Delicious!

xoxo,
Carol

New York Film Festival Reviews

We've just begun posting our reports on this year's New York Film Festival. Check the Reviews page regularly over the next couple of weeks for reviews, links and photos.

And check out the wrap-up of this past weekend's Sidewalk Film Festival in Birmingham, AL. John C. Reilly showed up to accept the Spirit of Sidewalk award. Because he rocks like that.

Lolita Bras--Tonight

To find out more about Lolita Bras, visit their My Space page.

You can also read the Drink at Work.com review of the band and their new EP, Caught in the Open Too Deep.

And check out drummer Paul Frick's site.

So What's The New Pope Been Up To?

* Commanded all future Christian iconography portray Jesus screaming and pointing right at the viewer.

* Prevented gays from entering the priesthood, women from achieving equality in the eyes of the church, children from laughing, dogs from barking and the rain from relenting in the Gulf Coast.

* Requested Netflix stock Triumph of the Will.

* Exhumed Galileo to face additional charges.

* Upgraded each Swiss Guard with kevlar ectoskeleton, thermal vision and Beretta 93R semi-automatic pistol with retractable holster.

* Experienced major skin graft surgery after inadvertent contact with holy water.

* Pestered clearly uncomfortable actor David Prowse on how to choke underlings from a distance.

* Appeared on Anderson Cooper 360, uninvited, unannounced and apparently out of thin air.

* Used Vatican gold for what he deemed "the work of God" but what satellite photographs reveal as "the work of Orcs."

* Now ends each papal address with "Or I'll get you in your dreams."

This Week's Eye Opener

What Else Could Possibly Go Wrong?!?
Francesco Marciuliano

The U.S. energy crisis worsens tenfold when the dead rise from their graves and immediately hoard gas.

Consumed with fighting al-Qaeda, the federal government leaves itself completely vulnerable to Brainiac's shrink ray.

Americans are held hostage in their own homes when the Roomba achieves A.I.

Full Article

Would You Like Thighs--I Mean Fries! Would You Like Fries with That?

Ladies and gentlemen...


Please allow us to introduce...


The new Ronald McDonald.


At least in Japan.

Thanks to Drew!

Beloved 70's Television Episodes

* Mr. Roarke somehow manages to turn even a small child's fantasy about an emergency liver transplant into a hard lesson on the perils of getting what you wish for.

* The fine line between "comically delinquent" and "criminally dangerous" is forever blurred when the Sweathogs adopt a gang color.

* Hawkeye's constant switching from Marx Brothers-inspired silliness to sermons on the horrors of war reaches its zenith when he treats a soldier who has lost his legs but somehow wound up with a duck on his head.

* Battlestar Galactica emphasizes its Egyptian mythology parallels with an awkward cameo from Anwar Sadat.

* Already in trouble for trying to bootleg a Doobie Brothers concert, Rerun is forced by bullies to illegally record a KC & The Sunshine Band show while Raj and Dwayne are left to wonder why only the whitest bands in America come to play South Central.

* Jack Tripper must once again prove to Mr. Roper that he's gay, this time by sleeping with another man while his landlord watches through a peephole in the next room, pantsless.

* The Bionic Man, Bionic Woman and Bionic Dog match wits with Bigfoot in an episode selected from an elementary school writing contest.

* Harvey Korman can't stop laughing when a peach pit gets lodged inside Tim Conway's throat.

* Fearing the public would soon tire of "Whatchoo talkin' bout?" Diff'rent Strokes writers introduce Arnold Drummond's new catchphrase--"Bitch, I said pancakes!"

* In a famous Happy Days/Laverne & Shirley crossover story, Arthur Fonzarelli and The Big Ragu fill Italian-American viewers with both great pride and terrible shame.

* When an outbreak of Legionnaire's Disease occurs on the Pacific Princess, Captain Stubing learns just how little an ocean liner-appointed doctor is equipped to handle.

* The simple American pioneer life continues on Little House on the Prairie as each family must blind their eldest daughter to appease the harvest god.

* In a story ripped from the headlines, killer bees kidnap Nancy Drew and brainwash her into joining their terrorist group while the Hardy Boys try to prevent an OPEC oil crisis only for their DC-10 to nosedive.

* Although forbidden to do so, Carol ascends the stairs to the attic only to find the first Mrs. Brady still alive and quite mad.

* The electricity is shut off, someone is shot, the city is on fire, rabid wolves patrol the tenement halls and everyone loses their job in just another typical episode of the ironically-titled Good Times.

This Week's Eye Opener

What Stays in Las Vegas
Francesco Marciuliano

Realizing far too late that not just any mentally-handicapped
man can help you count cards in blackjack.

Screaming into casino security cameras, "For christsakes, give a
fellow Italian a fuckin’ break!”

Any memories of seeing “Equus” performed nude and on ice.

Full Article

Carol's CMJ Photo Diary

The King of France


The King of France


Pela


Pela


Pela


Pela


Tim Fite


The New Pornographers


The Castanets


Langhorne Slim


Lolita Bras


Lolita Bras


Lolita Bras


Jaymay


Holopaw

Carol's CMJ Diary, Night Two

Wherein I Realize I'm 30 and Have to be at Work in the Morning and Therefore Can't Justify Waiting Outside a Club for Two Hours Just to See if My Friend and I Can Get Into the Show

So my first night at CMJ kicked ass, and then it went on to suck ass. That happens, no biggie. Last night was a night of extremes as well, but different extremes. Early on, I was at the Bowery Ballroom rockin' out to some great bands, then later I was at home in my jammies watching cartoons. Man, CMJ is one rollercoaster ride after another.

The evening started out with my friend Maryanne and I going to the early show at Bowery to check out The New Pornographers. As luck would have it, we were able to score a ticket for Maryanne through Craigslist about two hours before the show. Nice! I was mildly disappointed that the two security guards at Bowery didn't give me a knowing smile of recognition...I mean, don't they remember me from last night? I'm used to that sort of disappointment, though. I have an irrational need to be appreciated by bouncers, bartenders and security guards. I want them to look at me and say, "You...you're different. Not like these other drunks who make my job a living hell. You're just a pleasure." At any rate, we got into the show without incident, ordered glasses of wine at the bar — $5! — and proceeded to take in the first performance of the night, Tim Fite.

Tim "MOTHERFUCKIN" Fite!!!

This was one of the more jaw-dropping, hilarious, bizarre, singular shows I've come across in a long while. Fite seems to have been influenced in equal measure by rap, torch songs and Einsturzende Neubauten, a magically delicious mix if ever I've heard one. Blue pin-stripe suits, multimedia shorts, finger-counting, electionic noise, samples galore and a projected Tim Fite accompaniment were some of the motifs. Though there was much experimentation with vocal distortion, Fite has an amazing voice to back up all that screeching, hollering and growling. You can tell that he has an artist's ear...every sound is deliberate and composed but the overall effect is immediate and unrestrained. This is the sort of performance you hope to come across during CMJ. And the showmanship didn't end with the set. Fite and his sidekick changed into blue workers jumpsuits to break down their equipment...cause you don't want to get your nice suit dirty.

Tim Fite's album Gone is Gone is available here, and they'll be opening for the Pernice Brothers at Southpaw on Sept. 23. I highly recommend you check them out.

Next up was The New Pornographers and they did not disappoint. I think I spent the whole time watching drummer Kurt Dahle, an insanely talented bundle of energy who can chug a beer while playing with one hand and throw a drumstick 6 feet in the air without missing a beat. He also sang lead on a divine cover of The Cars' My Best Friend's Girl. This was just a fun show with great musicians who are at the top of their game and are having a blast playing together. Bands of that caliber who aren't arena fare are hard to come by. Beulah was another one, alas they are no longer together. Le sigh...

When the New Pornographers were finished the venue emptied out to prepare for the late show. Maryanne didn't have a ticket for that one so after quickly grabbing a slice of pizza we rushed back to the line and began scoping out lingering concert goers to see if anyone had an extra ticket. Unfortunately, it seemed that no one was selling. I have heard good things about Diamond Nights, and I would have like to have seen The Wrens (at Mercury Lounge) or The Billy Nayer Show (at Knitting Factory) but the combination of a looming workday ahead plus a couple of freelance projects that needed to be wrapped up made the thought of snuggling up on the couch with my laptop and Futurama too compelling.

Before deciding to call it a night, we spied Tim Fite near the Bowery entrance. We took turns hitting him up for CDs, and he also gave us t-shirts at no extra charge. Woohoo! And so, with a new name to add to my list of bands to follow, I was able to return home triumphant, sober and just a little older than I should be.

Performance Video for Pela's "No Doves, Just Pigeons"

Recorded at Fearless Music for broadcast on Time Warner Cable Ch. 35

Carol's CMJ Diary, Night One

Wherein I am a Winner and a Loser at the Same Time

I'm a winner. Want to know how I know? Cause my CMJ badge says so, that's how. Who's cool now, former cheerleaders? Thanks to the good folks at ohmyrockness.com, I am the proud bearer of a CMJ badge, something that pretty much anyone can get but not without finding themselves several hundred dollars poorer. Now since I was lucky enough to win this badge, I've decided to put it to good use and see as many shows as possible. After carefully researching Wednesday night's offerings, I made a schedule and began my journey at the Bowery Ballroom. And pretty much every decision I made after that sucked.

The Dizzying Highs
The King of France and Pela kicked things off at Bowery and I guess I shouldn't be shocked that everything was downhill from there. But hey, at least the first two hours of the evening were great. I was a winner, The King of France jangled and jived, and Pela just tore the place down. That's the second time I've seen Pela and they are fast becoming a favorite. A solid rock band, a distinct creative force and stellar musicianship. Their songs are dark but catchy; have you shaken your ass to a song about sleeping pills today? I wish more folks had been there earlier for TKOF, but the people who were there really responded to them, so that was fun. September 27th can't come fast enough.

The Terrifying Lows
Two years ago I picked a CMJ show at random featuring bands I'd never heard of. And so I was introduced The King of France and The National. This year I figured I could do just as well -- or better -- by actually reading about the bands and listening to sound clips. Oh, how wrong I was.

After I left Bowery I walked up to CB's 313 Gallery to see a band with a great name, Forget Cassettes. They were purported to bring the rock and were fronted by a female singer/guitarist. Since I tend to gravitate towards male-driven bands I made a special point to check out at least one female rocker. The first thing I noticed was lead singer Beth Cameron was wearing a negligée. Sigh. Why do women do such stupid things? Generally, I'm not one for being harsh about artists who are just starting out, believing if you can't say something nice you should at least be constructive. But I really want her to not do this again. Wear clothes on stage, Beth. Instant credibility. To make matters worse, she just didn't have the chops to make the poor costume choice irrelevant. Cameron's vocals and lyrics were overwrought and her stage presence was somewhere between crack whore and girl interrupted. Conversely, Aaron Ford and Jay Leo Phillips, drums and bass/keyboard respectively, were incredibly talented and I wish they were in a better band. I only heard two and half songs; I ran as soon as I was able to suck down the glass of wine I had just purchased.

After a slice of pizza, I headed over to Rothko to check out Man Man. Oy. I had read that they were bizarre and energetic with a Tom Waits-ish quality. They were interesting for exactly 37 seconds. Then they were aggravating. I did like the contrast between the gravelly yowl of the lead singer and the falsetto backing vocals, but as one song bled into another I found myself making my way for the door, not before having my next glass of wine thrown all over my pants by a girl who slung her bag over her shoulder right in front of me. Damn girls.

The Creamy Middles
Next on my agenda was to try and weasel my way back into the sold-out Bowery to see Devendra Banhart. But as I began to head that way, the heavens opened and the Intelligent Designer reminded me that I am, and always will be, a loser, no matter what my CMJ badge says. I repositioned my three electronic gadgets -- iPod, phone, digital camera -- to my innermost pockets and began to run. By the time I got to the Bowery Ballroom I was soaked and looked a fool. The show was already half-over and it wasn't crowded outside, so I took solace in the thought that they might actually let me re-enter. Security checked downstairs, told me it was cool and I went inside and began to peel out my ID. At this point I was told that badge or no badge, it was $15 to get in. Zuh? What? So I stood there dripping in the doorway and said, "Well, I guess I won't go in then, but can I just stand here for a second?" I'm not even sure why I said that, but I must have looked terribly pathetic because the security guard took me by the arm and walked me over to the side door and let me in, no charge.

Devendra Banhart wasn't bad. He's a hippy. He performs with a stage full of other hippies. They play hippy music. That's all I really know. But it was pleasant enough and I was able to stand in the back and take my shoes off so I could drip-dry. At one point Steve from The King of France stopped by and asked what I thought of Devendra. All I could think to say was, "I think that last song was about pedophilia."

I had originally planned to see Four Volts at Pianos at 1:00, but given my soppy state I opted for a final glass of wine at Bowery and then a bus ride home. And that's the end of that chapter. In conclusion, since we were recently described by one source as a "service Web site," I will leave you with the most important lesson I learned on the first night of CMJ:

Don't order a $6 drink before the band starts. It's easy to walk out on a band you don't like, it's hard to do so if you just overpaid for a shitty merlot.

Cheers!

Retrospecticus

We at Drink at Work have been furiously making the rounds at music and comedy venues over the last week and it's only going to continue. CMJ starts today --yours truly has a badge--and the New York Film Festival begins next weekend. As a trusted humor and entertainment provider, Drink at Work is committed to providing you with our own take on these and other events. So to kick things off, here's a brief rundown of performances we've seen recently:

Nicole Atkins
For the first 10 minutes of her performance, I was convinced that she was lip-synching; no one's voice could be that perfect. No one, apparently, except for Nicole Atkins. This girl is just cool, there's no way around it. She's smooth, sexy, commanding and light-hearted all at once, almost the American equivalent of Marisa Monte. Her band The Sea is a collection of extraordinarily talented musicians and together they put on a show that falls somewhere between alt-country and bossa nova. You can check them at tonight's CMJ showcase at Sin-é.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
Is it terrible if I wasn't bowled over by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!? Don't get me wrong, I liked them, I did...really. Promise. I love Talking Heads and New Order and you can't go wrong by crossing those two sounds right down the middle. But I had one nagging little problem: I found Alec Ounsworth's voice distracting. It's not that I didn't like it, I just wanted him to enunciate at least one goddamn word. I have a pet peeve about lazy vocal patterns and that's how his voice sounds to me; like he can't be bothered to sing clearly. But why should he? Everyone loves how much he sounds like David Byrne...so rock on, Alec. I'll probably see them again and then decide I really like them and regret ever saying this...capricious girl.

The National
Quite simply, one of the BEST shows I have ever seen. It amazes me that these guys still get better everytime they play. They find moments in songs they've performed a hundred times and make them new. I'm shocked when I read reviews that describe them as bleak or unaffected. Aside from the serious looks on their faces, this band is about as far away from being boring as Kurt Vonnegut is from pole vaulting. Matt Berninger's voice is beautiful, deep and haunting, the Dessner boys volley spiraling guitar melodies back and forth across the stage like a game no one else knows how to play, Bryan Devendorf is a virtuoso drummer and Scott Devendorf (alternating with Aaron Dessner between guitar and bass) holds the rhythm that seems to keep the whole cataclysmic business from winding out of control. These guys don't perform music, they barely contain it. Love, love, love them. Check out their tour schedule to see if they're coming to your town.

The Shark Show | Special Hurricane Relief Edition
I was late for this show, so I saw it from the last half of Seth Herzog's set on. This was only the second time I've seen Seth perform fully clothed, and he was excellent. Scathing, sharp, adorable. After that was the mid-show review by Jesse McKinley (brother of Shark Show co-host Gabe McKinley). I believe this is a fairly new edition to the show, and it's pretty great. McKinley writes for The New York Times and he does a mini, bitchy review of everything that has happened up to that point in the show. It's uncomfortable and wonderful. Rachel Feinstein was next and she killed...probably the best performance of the show. I've laughed over her impression of her mother's voice many, many times since that night. This episode of the Shark Show also offered me my first chance to see God's Pottery, a faux Christian folk group so much like the real thing I thought I was back at church camp.

Yes, church camp.

Crash Test | Special Hurricane Relief Edition
An amazing line-up with a surprise performance by Mike Birbiglia. Mike's so likeable he should be Canadian. Or a delicious sandwich. This show as a whole featured a lot of the MVPs of EV, NYC comedy: Birbiglia, Demetri Martin, Eugene Mirman, Leo Allen, Andy Blitz (who read a brilliantly constructed letter of support to President Bush) and host Aziz Ansari. The crowd was a little demure and some of the bits seemed a little less developed than other weeks, but it was kind of a greatest hits show for good cause, so it worked.

The King of France

Get thee to the Bowery and see The King of France tonight...in like, four hours! They kick off the CMJ show there tonight and shall bring the funky-lizard swagger that we at Drink at Work have come to love. We enjoyed their pre-CMJ show at Scenic last night where they were in terrific form. Look for their self-titled album to be released Sept. 27 on Echo Records.


That about sums up the last week or so. We'll be hitting various shows tonight and reporting back to you, our dear, drunk readers.

Sure Signs Your Band Will Never Hit It Big (in Honor of the CMJ Music Marathon)

* When people suggested you go for an "80's sound," you thought they meant "Damn Yankees."

* What you perceive to be a bemused, ironic stage presence others see as $125 ill-spent at Urban Outfitters.

* You say "I'd like to introduce the band" only to hear "I have enough friends, thank you."

* Your bass player can't make Tuesday's show because that's when his daughter is visiting from college.

* You record, produce and distribute 1000 CDs of orginal music only to have someone ask why you sang over the entire tracklist to "The Queen Is Dead."

* The keyboardist recently became fascinated with the "Rhumba beat" button on his Casio.

* Your friends wear their complimentary band T-shirts inside-out.

* Your love ballads feature a disturbing amount of animal imagery.

* You refer to one of your songs as "a love ballad."

* During your performance the audience asks the loudmouth at the bar to speak up.

* You can't get the lead singer's girlfriend to dance at your shows.

* The band has caused more than a few local Katrina relief concerts to lose money.

* The free weekly music critic describes your introspective, heartfelt lyrics as "Mad Libs-like."

* When you ask an audience member to pass around your email sign-up sheet, she politely declines.

* You can't motivate a crowd of 21-year-old art students and theater people to yell "Fuck Bush!"

Rising from the Rubble

Drink at Work.com presents Trent Lott's new Mississippi mansion floor plan. Just click on image for full-size rendering.

This Week's Eye Opener

15 Phrases That Should Follow the Words "Michael Brown"
Francesco Marciuliano

"...was last seen dressed as a giant muffler, directing traffic into a Midas shop."

"...cannot believe they used his audition for the 'so bad it’s funny' episode of 'American Idol.'"

"...apparently ticked off the wrong bear."

Full Article

Throw in a Plague of Vampire Locusts and Maybe a Hard-Headed Yet Soft-Hearted Hooker/Metallurgist and We Are So There

The New York Times capsule of review of the TV Movie "Supernova," airing on the Hallmark Channel ("Where Great Stories Come to Life"):

Zebras are stampeding, dolphins are beaching themselves and fireballs are vaporizing the Western United States. The world is going to end in seven days, just after the sun explodes, and the only person behaving sensibly is a Nobel Prize-winning scientist (Peter Fonda) who heads to a tropical island. However, an astrophysicist (Luke Perry), a government agent (Tia Carrere) and a reporter (Emma Samms) may be able to make a difference.

Thanks to Ari for the heads-up.

A Picture and a Headline Say a Thousand Words

Actual TV-screen capture off of Sky News Ireland, courtesy of Daily Kos:

Thanks to Don for the link.

Great List of Organizations Involved in the Relief Efforts

Go Fug Yourself has put together an exhaustive list of resources that covers almost every aspect of the disaster relief effort. Peruse the list and you'll find organizations that are providing food, coordinating housing, distributing school supplies for children, matching donations, setting up funds to restore historic architecture, rescuing animals, and more. Even if you've already given as much as you can, it will do your heart good to see just how many private institutions and individuals have rallied to this cause. Let's all keep giving!

The List

Thanks to the Cardinals for pointing this out!

An Observation from Ari

"Even if you're wearing a tie and carrying a laptop, walking to work suddenly feels different when Stayin' Alive comes on the MP3 player."

Save New Orleans Cocktail Hour

The Museum of the American Cocktail™
and Southern Comfort's Tales of the Cocktail
Invites You To Support:

Save New Orleans Cocktail Hour!
Monday, September 12, 2005,
5:00 - 7:00 pm

On Monday, September 12th, between the hours of 5:00pm and 7:00pm, bar customers across the nation will raise their glasses for a “Save New Orleans Cocktail Hour” as bar and restaurant owners shake up New Orleans' classic cocktails to directly benefit New Orleans food and beverage industry workers who are out of work and sorely in need of funds for rebuilding their lives. During this special event New Orleans classics will be offered at participating bars for $10 per drink. Receipts from the Save New Orleans Cocktail Hour will be donated to a special tax-deductible relief fund established by the Museum of the American Cocktail.

Participating Restaurants and Bars
Press Release
List of recommended cocktails

Why the House Canceled Hearings on Katrina Response

* Too busy building army of 7000 terra cotta warriors to protect Chief Justice William Rehnquist in the afterlife.

* Believes U.S. House hearing is the responsibility of local officials, not the federal government.

* Congress currently short-staffed because many members are still on tour of duty in Iraq War rallies.

* Only two more months until Election Day and frankly, floaters ain't voters.

* Still upset that the media referred to the displaced as "refugees" rather than "rumors."

* Many congressmen presently protecting their homes, believing that if "looters" will steal bread and milk then surely Titleist golf balls and oil paintings of fox hunts are next.

* According to the House, there's a time to assign blame--and a Republican presidency isn't it.

* Trent Lott's antebellum room isn't going to fix itself.

* Hearing would unfortunately detract from tremendous progress already made in rebuilding case against energy conservation.

* When it comes right down to it, thousands may be dead and millions may be homeless, but it's not like someone got blown.

Unfit Toys: Black Market Operation

It takes a steady hand--and a Styrofoam cooler--to win in this big money makeover of a family favorite. We've taken that beloved bulbous-proboscis patient, drugged him into a near-coma and dumped his inert body in a tub full of ice in a condemned tenement building. Now all you have to do is make your incision and take your slice of the huge cash payoffs. So what will it be? Heart? Kidney? Stem cell? Whether a sultan needs a fifth liver or a politician wants to save face but quickly get rid of "a problem," this cut-up classic is sure to leave your whole household in stitches.

The preceding is an excerpt from the upcoming "Drink at Work.com Unfit Toy Catalog."

Why the Federal Government Should Watch PBS

"What really scares me to death is that we get a category 2 or 3 hurricane that rapidly intensifies to a category 4 or 5 storm. That's the one that could absolutely be catastrophic here, because we wouldn't get people out. People wouldn't be moving early as they were for Ivan. They would all be here in the community and all of a sudden we get this wall, this massive wall of water..."—Walter Maestri, Jefferson Parish Emergency Management on "NOVA scienceNOW" January 25, 2005

Watch the 12-minute NOVA scienceNOW broadcast segment here.

Thanks to Chuck for the link.

This Week's Eye Opener

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff Speaks
Francesco Marciuliano

“When I heard that there was a ‘crowd’ at the Convention Center, naturally I assumed that meant ‘three.’”

“You tell me how are we supposed to airlift supplies to the victims. By some sort of magic bird? Please…”

"Whatever the criticisms and the after-action report may be about what was right and what was wrong looking back, what would be a horrible tragedy would be to distract ourselves by my spending time playing spin control on ‘Meet the Press’ rather than addressing the catastrophe. Oh, wait…”

Full Article

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

Alas, we at Drink at Work.com are still experiencing a few lingering server problems. Rest assured, this week's Eye Opener will soon be posted, the Medium Large and article archives will soon be updated and Toby the Intern will soon be reprimanded in some painful fashion.

Once again, we appreciate your patience. In the meantime, please listen to the Drink at Work.com hold music (courtesy of the 365 Days Project).

What The Fuck Is Wrong with These People?!?

"They have M-16s and they're locked and loaded. These troops know how to shoot and kill, and they are more than willing to do so, and I expect they will."--Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco, giving National Guard full permission to shoot at her own citizens

"Paula, the federal government did not even know about the convention center people until today."--FEMA Director Mike Brown to Paula Zahn, September 1st

"It makes no sense to spend billions of dollars to rebuild a city that's seven feet under sea level....It looks like a lot of that place could be bulldozed."--Dennis Hastert, Speaker of the House of Representatives, reassuring New Orleans' homeless

What President Bush Did Instead of Providing Immediate or Even Adequate Federal Assistance to New Orleans

* Emphatically stressed a "zero tolerance" stance against looters or any African-American caught with a sandwich.

* Tried to first establish a connection between Katrina's devastation and either Syria or Iran.

* Wanted all refugees to sign a loyalty oath before boarding bus or being hoisted into helicopter.

* Upon hearing of storm's incalculable destruction in Louisiana and Mississippi, Bush immediately boarded Air Force One and flew into Arizona to talk about Medicare.

* Addressed nation with a relaxed demeanor that would seem wildly inappropriate at a pool party.

* Diverted necessary funds to assist New Orleans to "war on terror," believing the city will eventually be repaired through intelligent design.

* Stated that America "will be a stronger place" for enduring the crisis, if only because delayed assistance will result in fewer poor to look after in future.

* Believes everything will work out in the end since the same sort of natural disaster hit his town in "Sim City" and now all his characters are having a blast at a techno club.

* Almost cancelled trip to New Orleans on Friday, feeling he got a good enough sense of the damage thanks to Google Earth.

* Turned on Bat Signal. Patiently waiting for response.

But Things Could Have Happened Yesterday

"Well, I fully understand people wanting things to have happened yesterday. . . . I mean, I understand the anxiety of people on the ground. . . . I don't think anybody anticipated the breech of the levees...They did anticipate a serious storm. But these levees got breached and, as a result, much of New Orleans is flooded and now we're having to deal with it and will."
--President Bush, "Good Morning America," Quoted in The Washington Post

The 2004 hurricane season was the worst in decades. In spite of that, the federal government came back this spring with the steepest reduction in hurricane and flood-control funding for New Orleans in history. Because of the proposed cuts, the Corps office there imposed a hiring freeze. Officials said that money targeted for the SELA project -- $10.4 million, down from $36.5 million -- was not enough to start any new jobs.
--Editor & Publisher

"...the hurricane's devastating effects were entirely predictable--and largely preventable."

From BusinessWeek Online:

Let Katrina Be a Warning
It is a natural disaster of unprecedented proportions for America. But the irony and the tragedy of the killer storm called Katrina is that the hurricane's devastating effects were entirely predictable--and largely preventable.

Engineers have known for years that New Orleans levees couldn't withstand anything above a Category 3 hurricane. Ecologists had long warned that the loss of protective barrier islands and coastal wetlands made everything along the Gulf Coast, from refineries to vacation homes, far more vulnerable to major storms.

Scientists have been learning that, for whatever reasons, hurricanes have become more destructive over the past 30 years. And with the world's oil-producing and gasoline-refining capabilities strained, it has been clear that storm-related damage to the highly concentrated Gulf Coast energy industry could be hugely disruptive to the nation's oil, gasoline, and natural gas supplies.

HELPFUL PROGRAMS ERODED. Yet not only have these warnings gone largely unheeded but for years government policies have been putting the country at a greater risk of both natural disasters and energy shocks. Along the Gulf, "we've had a tremendously irresponsible policy, destroying protective natural features while encouraging risky and precarious development," says Frederick Krimgold, director of Virginia Tech's disaster risk reduction program. And although Congress passed an energy bill in August, it does almost nothing to solve the problems exposed by Katrina.

The major lesson policymakers should draw from the catastrophe is just how vulnerable the U.S. is becoming to natural disasters and energy disruptions. In fact, some experts say, Americans have been mistakenly lulled into thinking terrorism is the most pressing threat--and they argue that the relentless focus on staving off suicide bombers has left crucial gaps elsewhere.

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Unfit Toys: Jack-in-the-Skinner-Box

Yes, there’s nothing more surprising and satisfying than a clown popping out of a small box. But only the most ADD-addled child will still be startled by the third or fourth turn of the crank. However, with the new Jack-in-the Skinner box, every time is sure to be a new experience. The fun begins the moment you close the lid. That’s because inside we’ve installed new behavioral psychology technology that allows us to conduct numerous environmental conditioning experiments. One time Jack will be repeatedly shocked with electrodes. Another time his floor may instantly heat up. Maybe screaming voices will constantly belittle him or rats will come pouring into his container. Whatever the action the reaction is sure to be priceless as Jack comes shooting out of his box, shaking violently, referring to himself as "Other Jack," speaking in a language all his own making or simply pleading, "For the love of God, kill me!" You never know what you’ll get with the one toy that’s bound to be as startled as you are.

The preceding is an excerpt from the upcoming "Drink at Work.com Unfit Toy Catalog."