Lesson Twelve: Becoming a Cartoonist to Get Rich Is Like Becoming an Actuary to Get Blown.Cartooning is more than a profession. It's a passion. You do it because you can't
not do it, much like kleptomania but without having to explain why you're wearing three sapphire rings on each thumb. To put it bluntly, someone doesn't aspire to be a cartoonist. They already are one, constantly doodling at school, at work, at the home they share with their older sibling who swears to God that they're going to kick your worthless ass out if you don't apply for that coffee barista job and start bringing in something other than free alternative weeklies. And such a revelation can be both immensely gratifying and utterly horrifying. Sure, it's nice to know what you want to do for the rest of your life but where's the joy when it's a career that initially promises little outside of the opportunity to repeatedly defend your choice to anyone who footed your college tuition? Yes, it's a tough road you've been destined to traveled, one poorly paved and oft-lined with check-cashing operations, illegal sublets and that scary Arby's that reeks of urine and Arby's food. But for all those who have the fortitude to venture forth, we offer a few simple yet significant rules.
1. Cartooning offers great rewards, but few of them can be exchanged for goods or services. People often think that the life of a syndicated cartoonist is nothing but non-stop glamour, pimped-out rides and homes so big that if you peer down the main hallway you can actually spot your own back. For some inexplicable reason they think that we don't let out a high-pitched scream when our bills arrive. That when confronted with a $60 parking ticket our initial thought isn't "Leave your old life behind." That winning Lotto isn't our "Plan A." That when guests come over we don't have to apologize for the gaps in the floor. That we don't inquire about "employee discounts" when it comes to Mentos. The fact of the matter is, on average, newspapers pay approximately $60 a month to run a comic strip. That money is then split evenly between the syndicate and the cartoonist. Hence, if your strip runs in 100 newspapers you will receive $3000 a month, which may not sound particularly paltry until you realize that the three grand is before tax, that only a small percentage of comics ever break the 100 newspaper barrier and that cartoonists are notorious for pissing away their monthly paychecks on bar bets, cockfights and ball-gags.
2. Get a second job before you have to apply for a sixth loan.When I was just starting out in the cartooning business, trying to get my feet in the door or my artwork through a crack in the editor's car window, I sought out all sorts of additional revenue streams, constantly looking for those employment opportunities that offered an ideal salary (in that I recognized the currency mentioned), compatible job requirements (shirt and pants) and cited "health benefits" without quickly following it up with the phrase "include an assortment of Band-Aids and pamphlets" (after all, it's always nice to suffer a paper cut without having to suffer through bankruptcy court again). I searched of ways to make extra cash day after day, month after month, to the detriment of both my relationship (forgot to feed my pet bird, the late "Little Feathers") and any semblance of a social life--a social life that, thanks to the absence of a regular salary and social skills that would engender pity from a shut-in, more or less consisted of taking the New York City bus and accidentally appearing in tourists' photographs. And now, thanks to all that constant pounding of the pavement, not only am I a syndicated cartoonist but I can also afford to buy ties rather than make my own from discarded carpet samples.
3. Create a premise you can live with even when you can't afford to live anywhere.Since it may take some time to earn a decent wage for your efforts, it is crucial to create a comic strip concept that will keep you interested even when it seems the only thing you can think about is how nice it would be to have a second peanut for dinner. The best way to do this is to devise a character that has not only goals to achieve but also great obstacles to overcome. In screenwriting this is known as "The Principle of Antagonism" which more or less states, "A protagonist and his or her story can only be as intellectually fascinating and emotionally compelling as the forces of antagonism make them." By antagonism I don't mean a specific villain. I mean a negative force that so tests the limits of your character's energy and resolve that he or she must gain surpassing quality to surmount such tremendous odds and become a fully realized, deeply empathetic character. Take Charlie Brown for instance. He longed for a normal, happy childhood but was constantly plagued by his own crippling insecurities as well as the often capricious yet common cruelties of his fellow classmates. Or take Beetle Bailey. He is forever in search of a nap but alas is ceaselessly thwarted by whatever the hell happens in that strip from panels two through four.
4. Wacky equals funny like fish equals tree bark.Never second-guess what makes you laugh. So many cartoonists have turned their backs on what they find funny to produce work that will play to what they perceive as "the masses." Truth is, no matter what the media says, there are no "masses" in America. There is no "middle of the road" or "majority viewpoint." There are just 300 million people who at any given point can't understand for the life of them what the other person finds so fucking funny. Just like so many other topics up for debate, when it comes to humor there is no one dominant perspective. Yet again and again comic strip writers play for a center that isn't there, removing anything unique or visionary in their voice for fear that everyone wants to hear the same old thing. And when you excise what's so singular, what's so special about your humor, you don't have humor at all. You have what is commonly referred to as "wacky." Something that's silly, that's irrational and that pertains to nothing that anyone can feel, can relate to or can concur with on any level. Humor has to have weight, it has to have meaning and, yes, sometimes it has to have a touch of sadness or an echo of tragedy to resonate from the page. That doesn't mean all good humor is "dark humor." It just means it has to posses some significance outside of its own punch line. It's that very important rule that separates the movie "Groundhog Day" from, say, the movie "Operation Dumbo Drop."
5. In a nation where stupid sells, it still may not pay to be a dumb fuck.Sometimes, courtesy of prevalent media voices, it seems as if our entire country posses all the elegance and sapience of the proud owner of a "Calvin peeing" decal. How else can one explain Alan Jackson's 9/11 tribute song "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)" becoming the nation's anthem of that fateful day despite the fact that it includes the wholly idiotic line "I'm not sure I can tell you the difference in Iraq and Iran." (It's easy, Alan. Iraq, Arabs. Iran, Persians. Open up a fucking history book.) From the east coast to the west coast to all those states that to so many of us seem to think exist primarily for airline connection terminals and high school football rosters, we are on the verge of being transformed into a nation of people who proudly proclaim, "We know what we know, so don't show us otherwise." And sadly this rather lazy mentality has affected all forms of media, from the movies about nothing that Hollywood is surprised no one wants to see to the television sitcoms that make "Three's Company" look like Molière to the comics that dispel with such apparently antiquated notions as character and personal insight to focus solely on the four pillars of imbecilic comedy--misogyny, ethnic stereotyping, anti-intellectualism and old coot. And such a sad state of affairs may lead the aspiring cartoonist to conclude that to succeed in the business they must produce a comic strip premise of equal banality, perhaps something to do with America's love affair with the cookie. But please, avoid the temptation. Listen to what makes you laugh, what makes your humor, your perspective, your interests different from all others. True, you may not become a millionaire. You may not even be picked up for syndication. But you will have something you can look to with pride at day's end. You will have something you can show to others without wincing. You will have something that lets you say, "I don't care what people write about me in online chats, Google groups or blog entries that begin with the sentence 'Ces is the worst thing to happen to the funny pages since Mallard Filmore started outing CIA operatives.'" And you will have something that when all is said and done, will still give you the artistic right to shit all over "Prickly City." And why on earth would you ever want to deny yourself that pleasure?
Demetri Martin began his career in comedy when he dropped out of law school. After graduating from Yale College, Demetri headed to NYU School of Law with a full scholarship. When he realized that law school was boring, Demetri started doing stand-up across the street at the Boston Comedy Club in Greenwich Village.
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