Signs the Santa at The Mall Isn’t Real

Can best be described as "argumentative."

Quickly leaves post when store announces towing of 1971 Chevy Vega.

Has discomfiting tendency to say "MILF."

Launches into sudden and virulent diatribe against Belk management.

When asked where's Rudolph, blurts out "Probably plowing my wife."

Repeatedly vacillates between hearty laughter and uncontrollable sobbing.

Refers to elves as "crazy little fuckers."

Red suit sports numerous cigarette burns.

Keeps mumbling about how his former bandmates screwed him over but good.

"Ho Ho Ho" replaced with "Semper fi!"