Instant Messaging with My Brother, a Corporate Mascot
The following is a transcript of a recent instant message chat with my brother Marcello, who in addition to being a technician for an Internet company is also the physical incarnation of the company's mascot.
Cello: Ces!
Ces: Cello! How are you?
Cello: Not bad. Was the [Company] Dog at a museum exhibit.
Ces: Oh...Didn't expect to read that. What did you do?
Cello: Usual. Waved at school kids. Danced a bit. You know, typical advanced dog tricks.
Ces: Sounds like fun.
Cello: Yeah, you'd think so. My entire body is covered in black-and-blue marks.
Ces: From what? Wearing the heavy costume?
Cello: From getting repeatedly punched.
Ces: Punched?!
Cello: Punched, Ces! The kids punched me! I'm here to tell you that children are bastards. Mean, viscious, wholly evil bastards!
Ces: What happened?!
Cello: Remember that Simpsons epsiode when Homer doubles for Krusty at parties and big events? And he tells Lenny what hard, tiring work it is, "But when I see how those little kids' eyes light up...I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something"?
Ces: Oh god.
Cello: They wouldn't stop, Ces! The little kids wanted hugs, so I gave them hugs. They were actually really adorable. But when the junior high school kids would ask for a hug...
Ces: Oh shit.
Cello: I would stretch out my arms and then BAM! Straight in the gut!
Ces: Every time?
Cello: Every fucking time! They were relentless!
Ces: Then why did you keep stretching out your arms?
Cello: Because I'm a chocolate lab, Ces! I'm supposed to be friendly! Plus, I think I'm monitored.
Ces: Couldn't you do anything?
Cello: Like what? Wave at kids from behind a pillar? Start swinging wildly at anyone over the age of 12? I'm not even allowed to talk! I'm defenseless, Ces! Defenseless!
Ces: But what about the people who were supposedly with you? You know, monitoring. Couldn't they do anything?
Cello: They were too busy taking pictures! Every time I got clocked I saw a flash go off. They said it was the best sponsored event they ever had.
Ces: I'm so sorry, Cello.
Cello: And you know what? It was never the kids from the city. It was never the poor kids from the tough parts of town. It was always these over-privileged white bastards who kept punching me! Every time I got punched it was some grinning white boy. I'm serious, Ces. I think I hate white people now.
Ces: How long did this go on?
Cello: About an hour. Maybe more. I lost count when I started to pass out.
Ces: From the punching?
Cello: No, heat stroke.
Next Time: Marcello entertains corporate supervisors and their families at his company's anniversary picnic...until he almost drops dead of heat stroke.
posted by Francesco Marciuliano at 11:25 AM
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10 Comments:
I've done that... I once dressed up as the company mascot, when I was in college. He's right, the kids are bastards! Only I wasn't as heavily monitored. And I spoke back.
For a period of time, I was a drama major in college, and I'd pick up pin money by doing gigs like this. Based on my own experiences, I can assure you that Cello isn't exaggerating in the slightest. However, when you're wearing a big foam and felt outfit, no one can see you giving them the finger, and that's oddly satisfying.
Your brother makes a perfect point: it is always the kids in the suburbs - those people are crazy. I went to an urban school and my grandma used to always worry that I was going to get shot/stabbed/drugged/rapped/in a fight/etc. No matter how often I reassured her that none of those things would happen she would still say - "I wouldn't worry if you went to your cousins school." Okay - so a little background on my cousin - total tramp! She was a cheerleader, really into drugs, had a sex with at least 5 different guys and got pregnant senior year. I wouldn't be surprised if she were a stripper now or something. I'm sorry, but my kids will be going to inner-city schools where there are no school shooting - thanks.
I was Slugger the Sea Dog for a season for the Portland Sea Dogs. Imagine wrapping six layers of pink insulation around your head, with your only vision through metal screen eyes. The first time I ever performed, I had to play softball with a bunch of challenged youths at what can only be described as a minimum security prison. At one point, six of them tried to decapitate me.
$40 bucks an hour, tho.
$40 bucks and hour, under the table...
We had a guy dress up as Clifford, the Big Red Dog, for a school event, and though he didn't get punched, we had to re-pin his tail twice.
Sara - can I meet your cousin?
Ditto about the inner-city school thing. I spent my entire childhood in rural towns and suburbs and I was assaulted and threatened on a regular basis. And it was always the white kids that did it. The black and Latino kids were usually civil with me.
Then I went to college at NC Central University, which was located near some of the worst neighborhoods in Durham, NC. There were shootings, gang violence and crack houses (not on campus, but around it), but I felt safer on that campus that I ever did in high school.
Reminds me of when I was the Lions' Club lion...twice.
Ugh, I feel his pain. I was a clown for several summers. Being female (and a female clown), I wore a puffy skirt and tights. The kids were usually okay, but you'd be amazed what the fathers would say to a girl in greasepaint.
The sense of entitlement "I'm rich, B#@$h! I can do what I want" is why the spoiled rich (not all of them are white but they are disproportionately represented in that demographic) kids are such a-holes--they get it from the 'rents.
If I did some stuff like that, I always had this voice saying "My mom would whoop my ass!" Even though I am 29 now, some things I still won't do because I would think my mom would come around the corner (even though she lives 45 miles away) with a belt.
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