Sure Signs Your Band Will Never Hit It Big (in Honor of the CMJ Music Marathon)

* When people suggested you go for an "80's sound," you thought they meant "Damn Yankees."

* What you perceive to be a bemused, ironic stage presence others see as $125 ill-spent at Urban Outfitters.

* You say "I'd like to introduce the band" only to hear "I have enough friends, thank you."

* Your bass player can't make Tuesday's show because that's when his daughter is visiting from college.

* You record, produce and distribute 1000 CDs of orginal music only to have someone ask why you sang over the entire tracklist to "The Queen Is Dead."

* The keyboardist recently became fascinated with the "Rhumba beat" button on his Casio.

* Your friends wear their complimentary band T-shirts inside-out.

* Your love ballads feature a disturbing amount of animal imagery.

* You refer to one of your songs as "a love ballad."

* During your performance the audience asks the loudmouth at the bar to speak up.

* You can't get the lead singer's girlfriend to dance at your shows.

* The band has caused more than a few local Katrina relief concerts to lose money.

* The free weekly music critic describes your introspective, heartfelt lyrics as "Mad Libs-like."

* When you ask an audience member to pass around your email sign-up sheet, she politely declines.

* You can't motivate a crowd of 21-year-old art students and theater people to yell "Fuck Bush!"