The Giant Squid Vs. Newly-Appointed Chief Justice John Roberts: A Hastily-Conceived Comparison
Giant Squid: Confirmed by Japanese researchers working for the National Science Museum in Tokyo and the Ogasawara Whale-Watching Association after decades of research and dangerous deep-sea exploration.
Chief Justice Roberts: Confirmed by some guys who wanted to get things done by October.
Giant Squid: Witnessed "to be a much more active predator than previously suspected, using its elongate feeding tentacles to strike and tangle prey."
Chief Justice Roberts: Witnessed hovering over Shoney's soup and salad bar, unwilling to make his food selection known in public.
Giant Squid: Immortalized in Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
Chief Justice Roberts: Immortalized in Hedgepeth v. WMATA (2004), also known as the "French fry" case, in which Roberts upheld the arrest and detention of a 12-year-old girl who ate a French fry inside a D.C. subway station.
Giant Squid: Previously mistaken as the stuff of legend in some circles of the scientific community.
Chief Justice Roberts: Previously mistaken that "Roe was wrongly decided and should be overruled" in Rust v. Sullivan (1990).
Giant Squid: Discovery heralds an enthralling new era in the study of oceanography.
Chief Justice Roberts: Appointment signifies that the end can't come soon enough.
posted by Francesco Marciuliano at 1:08 PM
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10 Comments:
Wait a minute- Hedgepath was good judging. That case kept people from eating openly on the DC metro for, like, a couple weeks.
Giant Squid: Previously mistaken as the stuff of legend in some circles of the scientific community.
Chief Justice Roberts: Previously mistaken that "Roe was wrongly decided and should be overruled" in Rust v. Sullivan (1990).
When my mom heard about the new appointment, she called me to tell me to "stock up on birth control the way Elaine stocked up on Today Sponges." I'm building a stockpile as you read this. Pass it on.
Giant Squid: Invertebrate throwback to prehistoric times
Chief Justice Roberts: hey, maybe they're not so different.
I feel much like a resident of ancient Troy, looking at the gift horse we've accepted within our gates.
Except in the modern-day instance, it's only half the horse and is approaching in reverse...
It's amazing how some people are so knee-jerk, they automatically assume the appointment of a conservative judge is the end of the world....
Aww, did we hurt your feelings?
God forbid anyone see the humour in a humour website. (can I say god?)
Oh, and HAHAHAA!
Woo..."anonymous" strikes again.
FYI, you can find a sense of humor on Aisle 5, right next to the testicles and the salient points.
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This commentator welcomes our new right-wing overlords and wel--
[cue Pat Boone music]
haha!
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