Unsettling Fortune Cookie Messages

"All of your friends, family and associates are currently hiding behind your living room couch waiting for you to return home, and it's not for a surprise party."

"Your dog just made a gruesome discovery."

"You were right. You can't pick stocks."

"You will spend an entire decade and all your life savings to write, direct and produce an independent film that the critics will call 'the longest four minutes' of their lives."

"What you perceive as an innocent infatuation the law will perceive as punishable to up to 15 years in federal prison."

"Your fear of sentient puppets will prove completely rational."

"Everyone at your upcoming high school reunion will think you died--back in the 10th grade."

"Your mom will consider your bride her 'spitting image.'"

"While speeding to make an important meeting you will sideswipe the last unicorn."

"This message isn't real. You're still high, naked and screaming in the Delta hub."