"Aaah, Yip-Yip-Yip-Yip-Yip-Yip-Yip, Mum-Mum-Mum-Mum-Mum-Mum, Get a Job"

Alas, it's a fact of life even the most artistically inclined of us will have to face. Before your comic/writing/acting earns you a steady income, before your work is finally recognized by the right people, but shortly after you realize you can't justify eating at Arby's for financial reasons and not matters of taste, you will have to find employment.

Your job may be part-time. It may be full-time. It may be the only thing anyone will remember about you at your funeral ("He showed up at the office on time, every single day, even though he absolutely hated it."). But just like The Godfathers' album wasn't titled Birth, School, Bahamas, Death, there will be no escape from toiling for at least some period in a work environment.

So to help you land the job that you may very well dream of one day leaving, we've put together the following information packet. Think of it as our version of What Color Is Your Parachute?. Or, should you prove less than adept at reading analysis, Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. Review the articles carefully, get as many professional references as you can and--as they said in "L.A. Confidential"--"Ace them, kid. Wear a smart suit and ace them."

How NOT to Start a Cover Letter

How to "Formulate" a Powerful Resume by "Implementing" Action Words that "Facilliate" Interest, "Clarify" Skills, "Revitalize" Careers and "Spearhead" "Increased" "Instituting" of "Prioritized" "Formulated" "Delegating" for "Arbitrated" "Coordinationalizing"

"Your Zest for Booze Is Not Both a Strength and a Weakness" and Other Interview Quick Tips

How to Immediately Detect, Decipher and Address a Job Interviewer's Body Language with an Almost Uncanny 12% Success Rate

How to Find a Mentor Who Will Guide You Professionally, Advise You Every Step of Your Career and Quietly Hang Their Head in Humiliation When You Announce to a Roomful of Esteemed Colleagues Your Intention to Visit the Restroom by Proclaiming "I Have to Drop the Kids off at the Pool."