Conversations with Dad 6: The Clock
The following is a transcript of an actual conversation with my mother Isilda, G.I. Joe's first clothing designer and former dildo cozy knitter, and my father Frank Marciuliano, award-winning graphic designer, one-time pornography T-shirt illustrator and self-described Renaissance Man.
Carol and Ces enter Marciulianos' house. Greetings ensue.
Mom: Sorry I didn’t make dinner yet. I didn’t know when you two were finally going to show up.
Ces: But we're early.
Dad: For once.
Mom: Plus, now Marcello’s not coming tonight.
Ces: Marcello’s not here?
Dad: Oh, you won’t believe what that worthless bastard of a brother of yours did.
Carol: What happened?
Mom: I don’t want to talk about it.
Dad: Then let me tell them.
Mom: He called five minutes ago to say he's coming tomorrow instead.
Dad: He called five minutes ago to say he's coming tomorrow instead.
Mom: I don’t want to talk about it.
Dad: Then why didn't you let me tell them?
Mom: What's there to say?
Dad: Apparently nothing now!
Suddenly a loud chirp comes from the kitchen.
Ces: What...what the hell was that?!
Carol: Did you guys get a pet bird?
Mom: Oh no. Not after we lost our poor canary Winter.
Dad: Stuck its own fingernail right through its eye. Died like that.
Mom: So sad.
Dad: It's own eye!
Mom: I don't want to talk about it.
Dad: Well, you're not the one who had to bury him.
Pause.
Ces: Sooo...the chirping?
Dad: What? Oh, that's our new clock!
Carol: Clock?
Mom: Doesn’t it sound beautiful?
Dad: It has a different bird call for each hour.
Mom: Finch.
Dad: Blue Jay.
Mom: Cardinal.
Dad: Sparrow.
Mom: Robin.
Dad: Oriole...Hey, Ces! Remember when I coached your Little League team The Orioles. What year was that again?
Carol: Wait, the clock chirps every hour?
Dad: Every hour! You should hear it!
Carol: Even in the middle of the night?
Mom: All night! That last one was a mourning dove.
Dad: I love mourning doves.
Ces: You said every hour. But it's 7:10.
Mom: Well, the clock hasn't been working properly.
Dad: And whose fault is that?
Mom: The clock’s?
Dad: And who dropped the clock?
Mom: You did.
Dad: I mean the second time, the time it probably broke.
Mom: You dropped it three times, Frank.
Dad: Wait, when did you touch it again?
Carol: Is there anyway to shut it off at night?
Dad: Might have been. But then Isilda dropped it.
Mom: I never touched it!
Dad: Well, you dropped something!
Mom: I dropped the coffee machine.
Dad: Oh...Well, I hope you weren't expecting any coffee, kids, because thanks to your mother here you're not getting any.
Carol: Can't you just unplug the clock at night?
Mom: I think it runs on batteries, dear.
Ces: How often do you guys drop things?
Dad: Well, you kids are never around to help us lift stuff.
Ces: How heavy was that coffee pot?!
Carol: Can't we just take the batteries out?
Mom: But then we won't be able to hear the lovely clock.
Another loud chirp comes from the kitchen.
Carol: Wait, it's only 7:15.
Dad: Hasn't been working right since one of us dropped it.
Ces: It chirps every five minutes?!
Dad: I love to hear birds chirp.
Mom: That one was the robin! Didn't it sound gorgeous?
UPDATE! The wall of clocks in question.
Previously on "Conversations with Dad":
Payback: The Other Movie with the Exact Same Title
Death and Family in a New Jersey Diner
Pick-A-Dick
The Pizza Incident
The Visit
posted by Francesco Marciuliano at 4:50 PM
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22 Comments:
my stepdad has the same clock, only it's corvette's. every hour there is the rev of a different corvette engine. and no, it does not turn off. and yes, it rev's even at night.
i don't understand who would want that in their house... besides my stepdad.
Yeah, well my grandfather has one with farming equipment. Every time it goes off it scares the shit out of me.
I don't know about the clock your parents have, but my in-laws had a chirping bird clock that you could set to only chirp between say 8 am and 8 pm. It was actually quite nice. Until the time we (all my brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, etc) were at the patriarch and matriarchs' home and noticed that the clock was stuck at 6:55, with the second hand jumping from 50 seconds to 55 seconds, over and over. Some one asked my father-in-law why the clock didn't chirp anymore. David, my wife's oldest brother, and I looked at the clock, then at one another. "Batteries needs to be replaced," we both said. And, ta-da, once we located a somewhat fresh pair of AA batteries, the clock began to chirp.
My brother has one with different death screams from "Faces of Death." I'm really surprised the Home for the Incredibly Insane lets him keep it.
The popularity of noisy clocks astounds me. I have problems standing the ticking of my alarm clock some nights.
Ces and Carol, y`all should get one of those. Torture the cats while you`re away. Then again, pissed off cats ...
That's disturbing. Why would anyone want such a clock? If I were you I'd 'accidentally' drop it a few more times...
off topic - but maybe this could be inspiration for a new dildo cozy line from your dad?? of course, that`s a big assumption he hasn`t already tried it.
Look on the bright side - at least it's not one of those singing fish.
They have one of those, too.
The wall of clocks...please note the Billy Bass.
that "Monsieur Jacques" sign is kind of disturbing...unless it's actually a dildo cozy template in disguise.
Uh, that would be an actual corporate brand logo my dad designed in the 60's to purposely look like a penis.
Ces - re the Wall of Clocks - is this a room no one goes into very often, or is this wall right out in the open so that it can't be avoided? I'm a little frightened by it. It...it kinda looks like my dad's "den." It only lacks piles of Washington Redskins shit to be a perfect replica.
Wall is right out in the open, near the kitchen and just a few feet over from the dining room where Penthouse did their photo shoot lo those many years ago.
I think the white bodiless grecian head thingy is kind of randomly disturbing. No one I know who has singing fish and chirping clocks also has athena's head stuck to their wall.
ces, when you turn these dialogues into an off-broadway smash, I'm so there.
My dad also made the marble head you see on the wall.
Let me guess the plate of eggs and bacon that resemble a face was also made by your dad?
I am so glad that my Mom and Step-dad are in an RV now, not much room for accumulating crap.
The Wall kind of looks like something from Pee Wee's Adult Playhouse. I want to avert my eyes, but...I...keep...looking...
again...DAMN YOU, EYES!
Please note that each clock tells a different time.
Don't make me look again, Ces.
And I didn't know your dad designed the penile logo...though after reading some of the previous conversations and background, it seems perfectly reasonable!
My Mother-in-Law...would be soooo jealous of that wall.
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