Conversations with Dad 5: The Visit
In honor of all those reuniting with their families this Memorial Day Weekend.
The following is a transcript of an actual conversation between my mother Isilda, G.I. Joe's first clothing designer and former dildo cozy knitter, and my father Frank Marciuliano, award-winning graphic designer, one-time pornography T-shirt illustrator and self-described Renaissance Man.
Ces and Carol at Marciuliano's front door. Ces rings doorbell. They hear parents responding from inside the house.
Dad: We don’t want any!
Mom: Who is it?
Dad: Coming!
Mom: Who is it?
Dad: What do you mean, "Who is it?" It’s probably the kids!
Mom: Coming!
Dad: We’re coming!
Mom: Hold on, we're coming!
Dad: Be right there!
Mom: Coming!
Dad: I said I was coming!
Mom: Be right there!
Dad: What does "I'm coming" mean to you, Isilda?!
Mom: Hold on!
Dad: I said I got it!
Mom: Just a sec!
A few minutes pass.
Dad: Did you get the door, Isilda?
Mom: What?!
Dad: I said, "Did you get the door, Isilda?!"
Mom: I thought you were getting the door!
Dad: How could I get the door?! I’m in the bedroom painting the chair!
Mom: Well, I’m in the kitchen making you your tea!
Dad: How complicated is tea-making that you can't get the door?!
Mom: But I thought you said you were getting it!
Dad:: Well, do you want the chair done today or not?!
Mom: Well, do you want your tea done today or what?!
Dad: Tea or chair, Isilda! Tea or chair!
Mom: Fine, I'll drink your tea!
Another minute passes.
Dad: What did you say?!
Mom: What?
Dad: What did you say about the tea?
Mom: I said I'll drink your tea!
Dad: Are you trying to be a wiseass?!
Mom: You don't want me to make you tea then I'll drink it!
Dad: When the hell am I supposed to finish the chair then, Isilda?! Huh?! When?!
Mom: Just forget it!
Another minute or so...
Dad: What did you say?!
Mom: What?!
Dad: What did you say?! Just before!
Mom: I said, "Just forget it!"
Dad: You know I don't forget stuff, Isilda!
Mom: You forgot to answer the door!
Dad: You still haven't let the kids in yet?!
Mom: I was making tea!
Dad: I was painting the chair!
Mom: Fine, I’ll get the door!
Dad: No, I’ll get it!
Mom: I’m getting it!
Dad: I said I’m getting it!
Mom: I’m almost there!
Dad: I said I'm getting it, Isilda!
Mom: I don't need you to get it!
Dad: Oh, I'm getting it!
Mom: Then open the door!
Dad: Fine! I guess I'll have to get it!
Hear footsteps approaching. Hear doorknob being jiggled. Pause.
Dad: Where did you put the keys, Isilda?!
Mom: What?!
Dad: WHERE DID YOU PUT THE KEYS, ISILDA?!
Mom: Tea's done!
Previously on "Conversations with Dad":
Payback: The Other Movie with the Exact Same Title
Death and Family in a New Jersey Diner
Pick-A-Dick
The Pizza Incident
Happy Holidays, Everyone! Let Summer Commence!
The following is a transcript of an actual conversation between my mother Isilda, G.I. Joe's first clothing designer and former dildo cozy knitter, and my father Frank Marciuliano, award-winning graphic designer, one-time pornography T-shirt illustrator and self-described Renaissance Man.
Ces and Carol at Marciuliano's front door. Ces rings doorbell. They hear parents responding from inside the house.
Dad: We don’t want any!
Mom: Who is it?
Dad: Coming!
Mom: Who is it?
Dad: What do you mean, "Who is it?" It’s probably the kids!
Mom: Coming!
Dad: We’re coming!
Mom: Hold on, we're coming!
Dad: Be right there!
Mom: Coming!
Dad: I said I was coming!
Mom: Be right there!
Dad: What does "I'm coming" mean to you, Isilda?!
Mom: Hold on!
Dad: I said I got it!
Mom: Just a sec!
A few minutes pass.
Dad: Did you get the door, Isilda?
Mom: What?!
Dad: I said, "Did you get the door, Isilda?!"
Mom: I thought you were getting the door!
Dad: How could I get the door?! I’m in the bedroom painting the chair!
Mom: Well, I’m in the kitchen making you your tea!
Dad: How complicated is tea-making that you can't get the door?!
Mom: But I thought you said you were getting it!
Dad:: Well, do you want the chair done today or not?!
Mom: Well, do you want your tea done today or what?!
Dad: Tea or chair, Isilda! Tea or chair!
Mom: Fine, I'll drink your tea!
Another minute passes.
Dad: What did you say?!
Mom: What?
Dad: What did you say about the tea?
Mom: I said I'll drink your tea!
Dad: Are you trying to be a wiseass?!
Mom: You don't want me to make you tea then I'll drink it!
Dad: When the hell am I supposed to finish the chair then, Isilda?! Huh?! When?!
Mom: Just forget it!
Another minute or so...
Dad: What did you say?!
Mom: What?!
Dad: What did you say?! Just before!
Mom: I said, "Just forget it!"
Dad: You know I don't forget stuff, Isilda!
Mom: You forgot to answer the door!
Dad: You still haven't let the kids in yet?!
Mom: I was making tea!
Dad: I was painting the chair!
Mom: Fine, I’ll get the door!
Dad: No, I’ll get it!
Mom: I’m getting it!
Dad: I said I’m getting it!
Mom: I’m almost there!
Dad: I said I'm getting it, Isilda!
Mom: I don't need you to get it!
Dad: Oh, I'm getting it!
Mom: Then open the door!
Dad: Fine! I guess I'll have to get it!
Hear footsteps approaching. Hear doorknob being jiggled. Pause.
Dad: Where did you put the keys, Isilda?!
Mom: What?!
Dad: WHERE DID YOU PUT THE KEYS, ISILDA?!
Mom: Tea's done!
Previously on "Conversations with Dad":
Payback: The Other Movie with the Exact Same Title
Death and Family in a New Jersey Diner
Pick-A-Dick
The Pizza Incident
Happy Holidays, Everyone! Let Summer Commence!
posted by Francesco Marciuliano at 9:25 AM
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3 Comments:
How are you and Carol able to listen to these conversations without doubling over in laughter? Did they ever let you in? Why didn't you run when you had the chance? So many questions....
Funny, "We don't want any!" is my natural reaction any time anyone knocks on on my door.
These shouldn't just be a book: you guys should have your own show based on this.
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