Conversations with Dad 3
Wherein My Dad Threatens to Revolutionize Home Entertainment
The following is a transcript of an actual telephone conversation I had awhile back with my father, Frank Marciuliano, award-winning graphic designer, one-time pornography T-shirt illustrator and self-described Renaissance Man. The transcript is part of a series of such dialogues documented in the hope that it will help the two of us both highlight and ultimately address the ideological differences that remain between us. Needless to say, the series continues to this day.
We begin shortly after my Mom has handed the phone over to my Dad, who wishes to ask me something.
Dad: Boy, your Mom sure can talk, huh?
Ces: She was telling me her doctor thinks she might have mono.
Dad: Mono? What's that?
Ces: It's...wait, didn't you drive her to the doctor's office today?
Dad: You wouldn't believe the traffic on the L.I.E., Ces.
Ces: No, I mean wouldn't you know Mom has mono?
Dad: I was in the waiting room, Ces. The doctor's not gonna have both of us come in and hop up on the table.
Ces: But didn't you ask what...
Dad: Jesus, Ces, you should have seen the people I had to deal with in there. This old fuck kept sneezing on me. It made me sick. I mean, what the fuck was he doing outside anyway if he's sneezing like that?
Ces: Going to the doctor's office?
Dad: What? Right, so we had to go to the doctor's office. Ces, you should have seen the traffic on the expressway. All old people driving...
Ces: Uh, Dad?
Dad: Yeah?
Ces: Mom said you wanted to ask me something?
Dad: Ask you what?
Pause.
Dad: Oh, yeah. I found this great game I created a few years ago when I was looking through the basement. By the way, we still have a lot of your junk in there and the house is crowded enough. Maybe you can keep all the stuff at your apartment?
Ces: I'm sure Carol would love that.
Dad: Well, you don't have to keep any at her place.
Ces: Uh, Dad?
Dad: Hmm? Oh, right. Y'know, I keep forgetting you got married. That still working out for you?
Ces: So what kind of junk is it?
Dad: Your old tests. Some notebooks from elementary school. Your diorama of the Shays Rebellion. What should I do with all this stuff?
Ces: Uh, toss it?
Dad: You don't want any of it?
Ces: I don't need any of it.
Dad: But what about me? You know how much I like to keep all your things!
Ces: Just at our apartment.
Dad: Could you?
Ces: No.
Dad: Okay, but don't be upset if your mother throws it all out.
Ces: But that's what I...um, so you said you found a game?
Dad: One I created a few years ago. It would be huge now.
Ces: What kind of game is it?
Dad: I think it would be perfect for orgies.
Pause.
Ces: I'm sorry. What?
Dad: Y'know, orgies. Sex parties. Like that T-shirt design I did back in...
Ces: I know what an orgy is, Dad!
Dad: Do you know how many times some thieving bastard stole that T-shirt idea? You know how rich I could be right now?
Ces: Dad?
Dad: Sometimes I just want to punch someone right in the fucking...
Ces: Dad? The game?
Dad: Oh, you'll love it! Right now the working title is "Pick a Dick."
Ces: Oh, Dad...
Dad: You see, each player gets one big tile card shaped like an erect dick...
Ces: Jesus, Dad...
Dad: And each turn they get to pick a connecting piece from the pile. Big cards that you attach to the dick like a jigsaw puzzle...
Ces: Jigsaw puzzle. Right.
Dad: Some of the connecting pieces show an ass. Others show a mouth. There's a whole bunch of different cards. And whatever card you attach to your "dick" the person has to do.
Ces: Let me get...never mind. So it's a game for two players?
Dad: No, it's for an orgy party. I'm thinking between six to eight people.
Ces: Wait, so the women even get, uh, "dick cards"?
Dad: Why would a woman have a dick? Just the guys. Six to eight guys. Maybe ten. Depends on whether or not I get around to making more cards.
Ces: Oh, so the game is targeted to the gay market?
Dad: Gay?! What on earth made you say that?!
Ces: It's just that you said only guys get to play.
Dad: No, there would be a woman with them.
Long pause.
Ces: Oh for Christsakes, Dad!
Dad: Now you get it? Whatever pieces the guy puts together, the woman...
Ces: No, Dad. Don't...just...just don't...
Dad: What? I thought it would be great for the "tweener" market.
Ces: WHAT?!
Dad: Y'know, people in their twenties.
Ces: That's the twentysomething market.
Dad: Wait, how old are tweeners?
Ces: Ten to twelve.
Dad: No, no...that wouldn't be right.
Ces: Listen, Dad, it's just that...where do I begin? Well, when did you come up with this game?
Dad: A little while ago.
Ces: How long ago? Were Marcello and I still kids?
Dad: You were...younger...
Ces: Okay, who was president at the time?
Dad: I know this...it was...hmm...Nixon!
Ces: Nixon.
Dad: Y'know, Ces, he hated Italians.
Ces: Maybe...maybe the game is more a product of its time then for today, Dad.
Dad: He constantly insulted the Italians on the tapes.
Ces: He pretty much insulted every ethnic and racial group on the tapes.
Dad: Not as much as the Italians.
Ces: I don't think when he mentioned Jews he said, "Great sense of humor. Love their commitment to tradition."
Dad: Why can't you ever be on my side?
Ces: Anyway, I'm just not sure that, uh, "Pick a Dick" would work anymore...if ever...
Dad: Of course it would! People still have sex. I even showed it to Cello and his girlfriend when they were over last week.
Ces: You showed your cardboard erect penises to Brittany?!
Dad: I think she's shy. She spent most of the weekend hanging out with your Mom.
Ces: Speaking of which, what does Mom think of all this?
Dad: I don't know. She hasn't even looked at it. She salways looks tired. Do you think she could be sick?
Previously:
Conversations with Dad 1
Conversations with Dad 2
The following is a transcript of an actual telephone conversation I had awhile back with my father, Frank Marciuliano, award-winning graphic designer, one-time pornography T-shirt illustrator and self-described Renaissance Man. The transcript is part of a series of such dialogues documented in the hope that it will help the two of us both highlight and ultimately address the ideological differences that remain between us. Needless to say, the series continues to this day.
We begin shortly after my Mom has handed the phone over to my Dad, who wishes to ask me something.
Dad: Boy, your Mom sure can talk, huh?
Ces: She was telling me her doctor thinks she might have mono.
Dad: Mono? What's that?
Ces: It's...wait, didn't you drive her to the doctor's office today?
Dad: You wouldn't believe the traffic on the L.I.E., Ces.
Ces: No, I mean wouldn't you know Mom has mono?
Dad: I was in the waiting room, Ces. The doctor's not gonna have both of us come in and hop up on the table.
Ces: But didn't you ask what...
Dad: Jesus, Ces, you should have seen the people I had to deal with in there. This old fuck kept sneezing on me. It made me sick. I mean, what the fuck was he doing outside anyway if he's sneezing like that?
Ces: Going to the doctor's office?
Dad: What? Right, so we had to go to the doctor's office. Ces, you should have seen the traffic on the expressway. All old people driving...
Ces: Uh, Dad?
Dad: Yeah?
Ces: Mom said you wanted to ask me something?
Dad: Ask you what?
Pause.
Dad: Oh, yeah. I found this great game I created a few years ago when I was looking through the basement. By the way, we still have a lot of your junk in there and the house is crowded enough. Maybe you can keep all the stuff at your apartment?
Ces: I'm sure Carol would love that.
Dad: Well, you don't have to keep any at her place.
Ces: Uh, Dad?
Dad: Hmm? Oh, right. Y'know, I keep forgetting you got married. That still working out for you?
Ces: So what kind of junk is it?
Dad: Your old tests. Some notebooks from elementary school. Your diorama of the Shays Rebellion. What should I do with all this stuff?
Ces: Uh, toss it?
Dad: You don't want any of it?
Ces: I don't need any of it.
Dad: But what about me? You know how much I like to keep all your things!
Ces: Just at our apartment.
Dad: Could you?
Ces: No.
Dad: Okay, but don't be upset if your mother throws it all out.
Ces: But that's what I...um, so you said you found a game?
Dad: One I created a few years ago. It would be huge now.
Ces: What kind of game is it?
Dad: I think it would be perfect for orgies.
Pause.
Ces: I'm sorry. What?
Dad: Y'know, orgies. Sex parties. Like that T-shirt design I did back in...
Ces: I know what an orgy is, Dad!
Dad: Do you know how many times some thieving bastard stole that T-shirt idea? You know how rich I could be right now?
Ces: Dad?
Dad: Sometimes I just want to punch someone right in the fucking...
Ces: Dad? The game?
Dad: Oh, you'll love it! Right now the working title is "Pick a Dick."
Ces: Oh, Dad...
Dad: You see, each player gets one big tile card shaped like an erect dick...
Ces: Jesus, Dad...
Dad: And each turn they get to pick a connecting piece from the pile. Big cards that you attach to the dick like a jigsaw puzzle...
Ces: Jigsaw puzzle. Right.
Dad: Some of the connecting pieces show an ass. Others show a mouth. There's a whole bunch of different cards. And whatever card you attach to your "dick" the person has to do.
Ces: Let me get...never mind. So it's a game for two players?
Dad: No, it's for an orgy party. I'm thinking between six to eight people.
Ces: Wait, so the women even get, uh, "dick cards"?
Dad: Why would a woman have a dick? Just the guys. Six to eight guys. Maybe ten. Depends on whether or not I get around to making more cards.
Ces: Oh, so the game is targeted to the gay market?
Dad: Gay?! What on earth made you say that?!
Ces: It's just that you said only guys get to play.
Dad: No, there would be a woman with them.
Long pause.
Ces: Oh for Christsakes, Dad!
Dad: Now you get it? Whatever pieces the guy puts together, the woman...
Ces: No, Dad. Don't...just...just don't...
Dad: What? I thought it would be great for the "tweener" market.
Ces: WHAT?!
Dad: Y'know, people in their twenties.
Ces: That's the twentysomething market.
Dad: Wait, how old are tweeners?
Ces: Ten to twelve.
Dad: No, no...that wouldn't be right.
Ces: Listen, Dad, it's just that...where do I begin? Well, when did you come up with this game?
Dad: A little while ago.
Ces: How long ago? Were Marcello and I still kids?
Dad: You were...younger...
Ces: Okay, who was president at the time?
Dad: I know this...it was...hmm...Nixon!
Ces: Nixon.
Dad: Y'know, Ces, he hated Italians.
Ces: Maybe...maybe the game is more a product of its time then for today, Dad.
Dad: He constantly insulted the Italians on the tapes.
Ces: He pretty much insulted every ethnic and racial group on the tapes.
Dad: Not as much as the Italians.
Ces: I don't think when he mentioned Jews he said, "Great sense of humor. Love their commitment to tradition."
Dad: Why can't you ever be on my side?
Ces: Anyway, I'm just not sure that, uh, "Pick a Dick" would work anymore...if ever...
Dad: Of course it would! People still have sex. I even showed it to Cello and his girlfriend when they were over last week.
Ces: You showed your cardboard erect penises to Brittany?!
Dad: I think she's shy. She spent most of the weekend hanging out with your Mom.
Ces: Speaking of which, what does Mom think of all this?
Dad: I don't know. She hasn't even looked at it. She salways looks tired. Do you think she could be sick?
Previously:
Conversations with Dad 1
Conversations with Dad 2
posted by Francesco Marciuliano at 10:10 AM
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19 Comments:
I must know - what was the t-shirt design?
I love your dad - at least on paper. He must be real rollercoaster ride in person. What do you take to get rid of the headaches after your conversations are over, or is the high from the conversation itself enough to get you through the day?
this made me fucking choke on my coffee...funny
Yipes.
Any xtra pr0n t-shirts lying around?? Should redistribute those at your next play ...
This might be the funniest damn thing I've ever read. I'd pay money to see this on stage.
conversations with dad are my favorite!
Too damn funny... I love it!
Ces,
These dad things are really funny. You should put these in cartoon form. This one especially plays out nicely with a beginning, middle and end. Check out momscancer.com for something sorta similar to what I'm thinking. Brian Feiss, the author, now has a big book deal.
mike
I think he posted the tshirt design on an earlier entry.
We did post the orgy shirt design on a previous entry but that link now appears defunct. We'll repost the image shortly.
Orgy Shirt
Ah, yes. I forgot about the "Dog Orgy" shirt. My dad...
And he wonders why I'm shy around him... To think, I'm actually marrying into this. Thank god for Ces and Carol helping us keep our sanity.
At the very least, you could compile them into a CD like Amy did, of "Amy's Answering Machine". (Amy's mom is as neurotic as your dad is.. as your dad is.. sorry, my simile died in transit.)
That way, you'd make a mint and land that cushy "guest perspective" gig on NPR.
Although I don't know that putting a wiretap on someone who's willing to go back to Brooklyn and beat up a bunch of senior citizens is really a wise idea.
Ces,
Sorry, I didn't realize that the momscancer book was taken down. Makes sense with the big book coming out. But it really is somthing special. You should check it out when it comes out next Spring.
mike
I dunno... I think that game might actually sell...
sounds interesting..
i don't know who you are. but that was very funny.
i don't know who you are. but that was very funny.
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