Conversations with Dad
The following is a transcript of an actual telephone conversation I had a few months back with my father, Frank Marciuliano, award-winning graphic designer, one-time pornography T-shirt illustrator and self-described Renaissance Man. The transcript is part of a series of such dialogues documented in the hope that it will help the two of us both highlight and ultimately address the ideological differences that remain between us. Needless to say, the series continues to this day.
Dad: Happy Birthday!
Ces: Thanks, Da…
Dad (singing): Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Ceeeeeeessssccoooooooooo! Happy Birthday toooooooooooooo yooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Ces: That’s really…
Dad: Tooooooooooooooooo yooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Ces: Thank you.
Dad: I remembered!
Ces: You did.
Dad: Your mother thought I would forget.
Ces: She said that?
Dad: Well, not outright. But I could tell. She kept reminding me about it every day for the past week.
Ces: But still you remembered.
Dad: Anyone else besides your father remember?
Ces: A lot of people. Friends. Family. Carol’s family. And of course Mom…before she handed the phone to you.
Dad: Boy, your Mom can sure talk, huh?
Ces: Oh, that reminds me! Chuck and Chris made a short film for my birthday!
Dad: What do you mean?
Ces: Well, Chuck has this high-end digital video camera and he and Chris got a bunch of people together to make a short film about zombies attacking their house while they try to call me on the phone to say "Happy Birthday." They even burned a copy of it for me on DVD!
Dad: No, I mean who are Chuck and Chris?
Ces: Carol’s brothers…my brothers-in-law…
Dad: And they bought you a movie?
Ces: They made me a movie. Isn’t that wild?!
Dad: Remember how I always wanted to make movies, Ces?
Ces: Uh…yeah…
Dad: You were supposed to write me a movie. Remember, Ces? You were going to sell it to the studios under the condition that I would star. Remember?
Ces: But what you really wanted to do was direct.
Dad: What about that great idea I gave you?
Ces: Oh yeah, that one. Fantastic!
Dad: Which one?
Ces: I…uh…I don’t know. I was trying something new.
Dad: How could you forget? It’s the one about the guy who decides to finally go back to his old childhood stomping grounds after fifty years and kill all the dirty rat fucks who used to tease him as a kid.
Ces: You…you want me to write a movie about a guy who returns home and systematically murders a bunch of seventysomethings who for some strange reason all still live in their parents’ houses?
Dad: We can call it "Payback"!
Ces: There’s already a film called "Payback."
Dad: This one’s better.
Ces: But what happens after he kills everybody?
Dad: What do you mean?
Ces: Y’know, after the…uh…serial killings…
Dad: He leaves.
Ces: Don’t the cops or the feds track him down?
Dad: Why would they be looking for him? He’s not the one who did anything wrong.
Ces: So you’re saying that this is your classic "Guy returns to hometown, Guy methodically slaughters an entire community of retirees, Guy catches the next train out."
Dad: See? "Payback"!
Ces: Well it does have three acts.
Dad: So what do you say?
Ces: Maybe something else.
Dad: Something else? Why something else? This is great!
Ces: It’s sad, Dad. It’s…it’s just really sad…
Dad: How could it be sad? He kills all of them!
Ces: Just for teasing him when they were kids?
Dad: They also threw things. Sharp stuff. Ask your grandmother.
Ces: Maybe you should write it. You probably have a better handle on the characters.
Dad: Then what about that "Four Musketeers" cartoon I came up with a while ago?
Ces: You still recall that one, huh?
Dad: Now that would have been a hit! The old rabbi was the leader, the Italian guy wore a pasta-smeared tank top and carried a shiv, the black guy was in a basketball uniform and the homosexual dueled with one hand while redecorating wherever he was with the other. Remember?
Ces: Vividly.
Dad: What’s wrong now? It doesn’t just make fun of one ethnic or racial group.
Ces: Dad, you had the other musketeers meet the black character when he tries to jack their carriage!
Dad: I also had the Italian guy brought up on racketeering charges! Plus I made the Jewish character the smart one! He even wouldn’t fight on Saturdays.
Ces: And what about the gay character, Dad?
Dad: It’s perfect timing! Look at that show on HBO! The one about the gay funeral home.
Ces: It’s not about a gay funeral home.
Dad: Sure it is. And that’s prejudice. Not like our show.
Ces: "Our show"? I…wait, are you saying the HBO program is about a gay-run funeral home or a funeral home that only admits gays?
Dad: I don’t know. You watch the show.
Ces: It’s about neither. Some of the characters are gay, some are not. That’s it.
Dad: Just like our show!
Ces: I don’t know, Dad…
Dad: Just write it for me. After all, I’ve been asking you to do this since you were in junior high school.
Ces: Well, if ever there were material that should be put in the hands of a thirteen-year-old…
Dad: You can consider it my birthday present.
Ces: Your birthday was six months ago, Dad.
Dad: Then you can consider it my late birthday present.
Ces: But I bought you a birthday present! The DVDs? "Spartacus" and "Doctor Zhivago"?
Dad: Yeah, but your mother always makes me watch "Inspector Morse" on PBS instead.
Dad: Happy Birthday!
Ces: Thanks, Da…
Dad (singing): Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Ceeeeeeessssccoooooooooo! Happy Birthday toooooooooooooo yooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Ces: That’s really…
Dad: Tooooooooooooooooo yooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Ces: Thank you.
Dad: I remembered!
Ces: You did.
Dad: Your mother thought I would forget.
Ces: She said that?
Dad: Well, not outright. But I could tell. She kept reminding me about it every day for the past week.
Ces: But still you remembered.
Dad: Anyone else besides your father remember?
Ces: A lot of people. Friends. Family. Carol’s family. And of course Mom…before she handed the phone to you.
Dad: Boy, your Mom can sure talk, huh?
Ces: Oh, that reminds me! Chuck and Chris made a short film for my birthday!
Dad: What do you mean?
Ces: Well, Chuck has this high-end digital video camera and he and Chris got a bunch of people together to make a short film about zombies attacking their house while they try to call me on the phone to say "Happy Birthday." They even burned a copy of it for me on DVD!
Dad: No, I mean who are Chuck and Chris?
Ces: Carol’s brothers…my brothers-in-law…
Dad: And they bought you a movie?
Ces: They made me a movie. Isn’t that wild?!
Dad: Remember how I always wanted to make movies, Ces?
Ces: Uh…yeah…
Dad: You were supposed to write me a movie. Remember, Ces? You were going to sell it to the studios under the condition that I would star. Remember?
Ces: But what you really wanted to do was direct.
Dad: What about that great idea I gave you?
Ces: Oh yeah, that one. Fantastic!
Dad: Which one?
Ces: I…uh…I don’t know. I was trying something new.
Dad: How could you forget? It’s the one about the guy who decides to finally go back to his old childhood stomping grounds after fifty years and kill all the dirty rat fucks who used to tease him as a kid.
Ces: You…you want me to write a movie about a guy who returns home and systematically murders a bunch of seventysomethings who for some strange reason all still live in their parents’ houses?
Dad: We can call it "Payback"!
Ces: There’s already a film called "Payback."
Dad: This one’s better.
Ces: But what happens after he kills everybody?
Dad: What do you mean?
Ces: Y’know, after the…uh…serial killings…
Dad: He leaves.
Ces: Don’t the cops or the feds track him down?
Dad: Why would they be looking for him? He’s not the one who did anything wrong.
Ces: So you’re saying that this is your classic "Guy returns to hometown, Guy methodically slaughters an entire community of retirees, Guy catches the next train out."
Dad: See? "Payback"!
Ces: Well it does have three acts.
Dad: So what do you say?
Ces: Maybe something else.
Dad: Something else? Why something else? This is great!
Ces: It’s sad, Dad. It’s…it’s just really sad…
Dad: How could it be sad? He kills all of them!
Ces: Just for teasing him when they were kids?
Dad: They also threw things. Sharp stuff. Ask your grandmother.
Ces: Maybe you should write it. You probably have a better handle on the characters.
Dad: Then what about that "Four Musketeers" cartoon I came up with a while ago?
Ces: You still recall that one, huh?
Dad: Now that would have been a hit! The old rabbi was the leader, the Italian guy wore a pasta-smeared tank top and carried a shiv, the black guy was in a basketball uniform and the homosexual dueled with one hand while redecorating wherever he was with the other. Remember?
Ces: Vividly.
Dad: What’s wrong now? It doesn’t just make fun of one ethnic or racial group.
Ces: Dad, you had the other musketeers meet the black character when he tries to jack their carriage!
Dad: I also had the Italian guy brought up on racketeering charges! Plus I made the Jewish character the smart one! He even wouldn’t fight on Saturdays.
Ces: And what about the gay character, Dad?
Dad: It’s perfect timing! Look at that show on HBO! The one about the gay funeral home.
Ces: It’s not about a gay funeral home.
Dad: Sure it is. And that’s prejudice. Not like our show.
Ces: "Our show"? I…wait, are you saying the HBO program is about a gay-run funeral home or a funeral home that only admits gays?
Dad: I don’t know. You watch the show.
Ces: It’s about neither. Some of the characters are gay, some are not. That’s it.
Dad: Just like our show!
Ces: I don’t know, Dad…
Dad: Just write it for me. After all, I’ve been asking you to do this since you were in junior high school.
Ces: Well, if ever there were material that should be put in the hands of a thirteen-year-old…
Dad: You can consider it my birthday present.
Ces: Your birthday was six months ago, Dad.
Dad: Then you can consider it my late birthday present.
Ces: But I bought you a birthday present! The DVDs? "Spartacus" and "Doctor Zhivago"?
Dad: Yeah, but your mother always makes me watch "Inspector Morse" on PBS instead.
posted by Francesco Marciuliano at 4:35 PM
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7 Comments:
I am SO sorry..
So just another regular conversation with dad, huh.
Wow. No wonder you write storylines about family budgets; you lust for normalacy.
Oh my GOD.
That is the best movie idea ever.
I think the word count of that one convo beats me and my old man's lifetime total.
And yet...I'm not jealous.
These conversations would make a terrific radio play. Call NPR!
I'm sure I've seen a movie like that one... well, the guy isn't in his 70s, and he's avenging his kid brother, but otherwise it's pretty much the same. It's Irish or something I think.
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