Conversations with Dad 2
Wherein My Dad Grapples with the Twin Specters of Death and Family in a New Jersey Diner
The following is a transcript of an actual conversation I had awhile back with my father, Frank Marciuliano, award-winning graphic designer, one-time pornography T-shirt illustrator and self-described Renaissance Man. The transcript is part of a series of such dialogues documented in the hope that it will help the two of us both highlight and ultimately address the ideological differences that remain between us. Needless to say, the series continues to this day.
We begin in a diner off the New Jersey Turnpike, during a visit with Grandma.
Grandma: Do you ever tell your friends what a beautiful and intelligent Grandma you have, Ces?
Ces: Sorry?
Dad: Just tell her yes, Ces.
Ces: I...uh, I try to work it into conversation as much as possible, Grandma.
Dad: Don't be a wiseass.
Ces: Sorry.
Grandma: I'll be back. Have to go to the bathroom.
Grandma leaves table.
Dad: Hey, Ces, does Grandma look out of it to you?
Ces: Kinda, I guess. But she's not bad for 90.
Dad: What do you mean?
Ces: Well, she is getting old.
Dad: So? Marciulianos live much longer than average folks! Look at your Grandpa! He would still be alive today if he hadn't died in that hospital.
Ces: What?
Dad: Y'know, from that spill he took...when he had to go to the hospital. I bet if he didn't fall he would still be around today.
Ces: At age 102?
Dad: See? That's what I'm talking about. Marciulianos live a long time. That's another thing you got from my side of the family. Age. Smarts. Looks. The only thing you got from your mother's side was height.
Ces: Nice to throw her a bone, Dad.
Dad: They grow like weeds on that side. Way too gangly.
Ces: Wait, how old was Grandma's dad when he died?
Dad: Umm...72.
Ces: Oh...but he did have cancer...
Dad: Christ, that's just four years older than me.
Ces: Dad...
Dad: I thought I had another forty years. Christ, I hate being middle-aged.
Ces: Okay. That's it. New subject. It was really nice of you to take Grandma out to eat, Dad.
Dad: Hey, I'm a nice guy. By the way, do you have money to pay the bill? All I brought was my Sunoco card.
Ces: You didn't bring any money at all? How were you expecting to pay for the toll on the New Jersey Turnpike?
Dad: That reminds me--I need some money for that, too.
Ces: Wha..what if I didn't have enough cash on me, Dad?
Dad: Why? Because you keep wasting it all?
Grandma returns from the bathroom.
Grandma: I got toilet paper!
Ces: Oh, shit.
Dad: What the hell are you doing, Ma?!
Ces: You stole toilet paper, Grandma?
Dad: Can I have a roll?
Grandma: Sure. I think there's one or two rolls left in the men's room.
Ces: You stole toilet paper from both restrooms?!
Dad: Are you nuts, Ma?
Ces: Please ask her to return them, Dad.
Dad: Well, that'll actually only draw more attention. Besides, I could use a roll for sneezing in the car.
Grandma: You can take one from the men's room. I think there's one or two left.
Dad: I can't have one fucking toilet paper roll?!
Ces: Dad, will you lower your voice?
Dad: Who the fuck is listening?!
Waitress: Is everything okay?
Grandma: My soda's too warm.
Dad: That's because you ordered it without ice, Ma.
Ces: Maybe we should get her some ice.
Dad: She doesn't like ice. It makes her teeth hurt.
Grandma: I don't like my soda warm, either.
Dad (To waitress): I'm sorry, Miss. Maybe she got confused when ordering. English isn't her first language. She's originally from Italy.
Waitress: That's okay. I have one just like her at home. I'll get her another glass of soda and make sure it's cold.
Dad: Thanks.
Waitress walks away with soda.
Dad: What the hell did she mean she has "one just like her at home"? Is she trying to be insulting?
Ces: I think she meant she has a mother born in another country.
Dad: No, she was making a wiseass remark. Screw her, I'm not leaving a tip.
Ces: You weren't going to leave her anything! You don't have any money, remember?
Grandma: I'm sorry Janice couldn't come.
Ces: Hmm? Oh, well, Dad and Aunt Janice are having some sort of argument, I guess.
Dad: I'm not arguing. Janice is arguing. I'm just not listening.
Grandma: At least you could visit, Ces.
Ces: No problem.
Dad: Of course he could. Ces is a really sweet kid. He'd do anything for anybody.
Ces: Uh...gee, thanks, Dad. Really.
Grandma: I just don't know why Frank and Janice have to fight. Siblings never fight.
Ces: That's not true, Grandma. Marcello and I used to fight all the time.
Dad: That's because you and Cello are two miserable little fucks who couldn't give a shit about anyone.
Pause.
Ces: Wait, what the fuck just happened here?
Dad: Don't curse in front of your grandmother.
Ces: I'm...I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Grandma. But what the hell just happened?
Dad: When?
Ces: "When?" Two minutes ago you were nominating me for Son of the Century. Now you're acting like I should get the chair.
Dad: What, you and Cello never fought?
Ces: Of course we fought! But that doesn't have anything to do with it!
Dad: Sure it did! You think I liked dealing with that? None of the other parents' kids fought!
Ces: Of course they did!
Dad: Well I didn't have to deal with them.
Waitress returns with new glass of soda and a plate of bruschetta for Grandma.
Grandma: I didn't order this.
Waitress: The chef found out you were from Italy so he made you a plate on the house.
Grandma:I'm not paying for this.
Ces: Funny, neither is Dad.
Dad: Ma, they're giving it to you for free.
Grandma: Did you order this?
Dad: For free, Ma! They made it for you for free!
Grandma: But I didn't order this.
Dad: It's free! Free! They're being nice! Eat it! (To waitress) Thank you very much. That was very thoughtful of you.
Waitress: You're welcome.
Waitress walks away.
Ces: Now can I leave her a tip, Dad?
Dad: Ma, can I have one of those?
Grandma: They made them for me.
Dad: But you didn't even want them.
Ces: We should probably get going soon.
Dad: Just a bite. One lousy bite!
Grandma: There's only three.
Dad: Why can't I have one fucking piece of bruschetta?!
Ces: How does a 40% tip sound?
Dad: Wha...why are you wrapping the other two up?
Grandma: I'm not hungry anymore. I'll eat them later.
Ces: Where did you park the car, Dad? I think I'll wait in there.
Dad: If you're not hungry now why can't I have one?!
Grandma: And what am I supposed to eat for later?
Dad: THE OTHER ONE!
Ces: I'm leaving.
Three get up from table and start to head out. Ces turns to get his umbrella only to see Grandma taking tip from table.
Ces: Wha...what are you doing, Grandma?
Grandma: You accidentally left some money on the table.
Ces: It's the tip, Grandma.
Grandma: Someone could have taken it.
Ces: Yes, Grandma. The waitress.
Grandma: But you already gave her the money for the bill.
Ces: And that was the money for her.
Grandma: What is she going to do with all that money? I didn't want you to lose any more.
Ces: Then why were you putting my money in your purse?
Grandma: Would you like a bruschetta, Ces?
Dad: WHAT?!?
Grandma: I've got two left and I can't eat that many.
Ces: I just want to leave a tip!
Dad: (Whispering): Don't worry, Ces. I'll get the money out of her purse when she's not looking.
Ces: Um...uh...thanks, Dad.
Dad: That way we can pay the tolls...and I can have some bruschetta.
The following is a transcript of an actual conversation I had awhile back with my father, Frank Marciuliano, award-winning graphic designer, one-time pornography T-shirt illustrator and self-described Renaissance Man. The transcript is part of a series of such dialogues documented in the hope that it will help the two of us both highlight and ultimately address the ideological differences that remain between us. Needless to say, the series continues to this day.
We begin in a diner off the New Jersey Turnpike, during a visit with Grandma.
Grandma: Do you ever tell your friends what a beautiful and intelligent Grandma you have, Ces?
Ces: Sorry?
Dad: Just tell her yes, Ces.
Ces: I...uh, I try to work it into conversation as much as possible, Grandma.
Dad: Don't be a wiseass.
Ces: Sorry.
Grandma: I'll be back. Have to go to the bathroom.
Grandma leaves table.
Dad: Hey, Ces, does Grandma look out of it to you?
Ces: Kinda, I guess. But she's not bad for 90.
Dad: What do you mean?
Ces: Well, she is getting old.
Dad: So? Marciulianos live much longer than average folks! Look at your Grandpa! He would still be alive today if he hadn't died in that hospital.
Ces: What?
Dad: Y'know, from that spill he took...when he had to go to the hospital. I bet if he didn't fall he would still be around today.
Ces: At age 102?
Dad: See? That's what I'm talking about. Marciulianos live a long time. That's another thing you got from my side of the family. Age. Smarts. Looks. The only thing you got from your mother's side was height.
Ces: Nice to throw her a bone, Dad.
Dad: They grow like weeds on that side. Way too gangly.
Ces: Wait, how old was Grandma's dad when he died?
Dad: Umm...72.
Ces: Oh...but he did have cancer...
Dad: Christ, that's just four years older than me.
Ces: Dad...
Dad: I thought I had another forty years. Christ, I hate being middle-aged.
Ces: Okay. That's it. New subject. It was really nice of you to take Grandma out to eat, Dad.
Dad: Hey, I'm a nice guy. By the way, do you have money to pay the bill? All I brought was my Sunoco card.
Ces: You didn't bring any money at all? How were you expecting to pay for the toll on the New Jersey Turnpike?
Dad: That reminds me--I need some money for that, too.
Ces: Wha..what if I didn't have enough cash on me, Dad?
Dad: Why? Because you keep wasting it all?
Grandma returns from the bathroom.
Grandma: I got toilet paper!
Ces: Oh, shit.
Dad: What the hell are you doing, Ma?!
Ces: You stole toilet paper, Grandma?
Dad: Can I have a roll?
Grandma: Sure. I think there's one or two rolls left in the men's room.
Ces: You stole toilet paper from both restrooms?!
Dad: Are you nuts, Ma?
Ces: Please ask her to return them, Dad.
Dad: Well, that'll actually only draw more attention. Besides, I could use a roll for sneezing in the car.
Grandma: You can take one from the men's room. I think there's one or two left.
Dad: I can't have one fucking toilet paper roll?!
Ces: Dad, will you lower your voice?
Dad: Who the fuck is listening?!
Waitress: Is everything okay?
Grandma: My soda's too warm.
Dad: That's because you ordered it without ice, Ma.
Ces: Maybe we should get her some ice.
Dad: She doesn't like ice. It makes her teeth hurt.
Grandma: I don't like my soda warm, either.
Dad (To waitress): I'm sorry, Miss. Maybe she got confused when ordering. English isn't her first language. She's originally from Italy.
Waitress: That's okay. I have one just like her at home. I'll get her another glass of soda and make sure it's cold.
Dad: Thanks.
Waitress walks away with soda.
Dad: What the hell did she mean she has "one just like her at home"? Is she trying to be insulting?
Ces: I think she meant she has a mother born in another country.
Dad: No, she was making a wiseass remark. Screw her, I'm not leaving a tip.
Ces: You weren't going to leave her anything! You don't have any money, remember?
Grandma: I'm sorry Janice couldn't come.
Ces: Hmm? Oh, well, Dad and Aunt Janice are having some sort of argument, I guess.
Dad: I'm not arguing. Janice is arguing. I'm just not listening.
Grandma: At least you could visit, Ces.
Ces: No problem.
Dad: Of course he could. Ces is a really sweet kid. He'd do anything for anybody.
Ces: Uh...gee, thanks, Dad. Really.
Grandma: I just don't know why Frank and Janice have to fight. Siblings never fight.
Ces: That's not true, Grandma. Marcello and I used to fight all the time.
Dad: That's because you and Cello are two miserable little fucks who couldn't give a shit about anyone.
Pause.
Ces: Wait, what the fuck just happened here?
Dad: Don't curse in front of your grandmother.
Ces: I'm...I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Grandma. But what the hell just happened?
Dad: When?
Ces: "When?" Two minutes ago you were nominating me for Son of the Century. Now you're acting like I should get the chair.
Dad: What, you and Cello never fought?
Ces: Of course we fought! But that doesn't have anything to do with it!
Dad: Sure it did! You think I liked dealing with that? None of the other parents' kids fought!
Ces: Of course they did!
Dad: Well I didn't have to deal with them.
Waitress returns with new glass of soda and a plate of bruschetta for Grandma.
Grandma: I didn't order this.
Waitress: The chef found out you were from Italy so he made you a plate on the house.
Grandma:I'm not paying for this.
Ces: Funny, neither is Dad.
Dad: Ma, they're giving it to you for free.
Grandma: Did you order this?
Dad: For free, Ma! They made it for you for free!
Grandma: But I didn't order this.
Dad: It's free! Free! They're being nice! Eat it! (To waitress) Thank you very much. That was very thoughtful of you.
Waitress: You're welcome.
Waitress walks away.
Ces: Now can I leave her a tip, Dad?
Dad: Ma, can I have one of those?
Grandma: They made them for me.
Dad: But you didn't even want them.
Ces: We should probably get going soon.
Dad: Just a bite. One lousy bite!
Grandma: There's only three.
Dad: Why can't I have one fucking piece of bruschetta?!
Ces: How does a 40% tip sound?
Dad: Wha...why are you wrapping the other two up?
Grandma: I'm not hungry anymore. I'll eat them later.
Ces: Where did you park the car, Dad? I think I'll wait in there.
Dad: If you're not hungry now why can't I have one?!
Grandma: And what am I supposed to eat for later?
Dad: THE OTHER ONE!
Ces: I'm leaving.
Three get up from table and start to head out. Ces turns to get his umbrella only to see Grandma taking tip from table.
Ces: Wha...what are you doing, Grandma?
Grandma: You accidentally left some money on the table.
Ces: It's the tip, Grandma.
Grandma: Someone could have taken it.
Ces: Yes, Grandma. The waitress.
Grandma: But you already gave her the money for the bill.
Ces: And that was the money for her.
Grandma: What is she going to do with all that money? I didn't want you to lose any more.
Ces: Then why were you putting my money in your purse?
Grandma: Would you like a bruschetta, Ces?
Dad: WHAT?!?
Grandma: I've got two left and I can't eat that many.
Ces: I just want to leave a tip!
Dad: (Whispering): Don't worry, Ces. I'll get the money out of her purse when she's not looking.
Ces: Um...uh...thanks, Dad.
Dad: That way we can pay the tolls...and I can have some bruschetta.
posted by Francesco Marciuliano at 10:00 AM
subscribe to the drink at work newsletter
6 Comments:
I think we're related. I've had conversations just like this with my mother and sister. It's so good to know that there are other families out there that are as insane as mine.
Well Tracey beat me to the "I think we're related" line. Italian-American, from NJ. Though your grandma is a combination of my maternal grandmother's cheapness and my paternal grandmother's strong personality.
Hey, does your Dad know how to work a cell phone? My Dad is 65 and just finally got a cell phone a few months ago. Despite several lessons from myself on how to operate this piece of technology, he has major problems with it. He somehow manages to call people in his phone list randomly and by accident. I got a 13-minute "call" from him the other day that was nothing more than the sound of him breathing, eating chips, and watching an Arizona Diamondbacks game. The call winds down with the sound of him tapping out a phone number , cursing, and abruptly ends with a button push..
My grandma often wraps up knock-off m and m's from all-you-can-eat buffets and takes them home in her purse. glad to hear she kind of has company.
My co-workers now think I'm insane. That last line...unbelievably funny.
I for one know this conversation actually took place. I had similar conversations with your Dad when we were young. You don't know who I am, but I know who you are and very anxious to meet you one day.
Post a Comment
<< Home